Raising someone else's child: How we made it work

What would happen if you suddenly had to take in a child into your home? Would the balance of your family be upset? How would your children cope? Three mothers who are taking care of non-biological children shared their experiences.

While modern lifestyles are the order in many families, some features of traditional set up are refusing to budge. Examples abound of parents raising children who are not biologically theirs. The desire to help poor relatives raise their children, for example, drives such decisions.

Parents who Eve Woman talked to attest that such arrangements are riddled with many challenges and only the fully-committed can go through it unscathed.

Linda Ouko, a city hotelier, was charged with the care of her brother-in-law’s three-month-old daughter after her mother died. Before long, the child’s father too passed on.

The girl is now seven years old. Linda says her husband has been her number one supporter in caring for the girl. Her two children, then aged eight and nine, understood the situation and embraced the girl as their sister.

Linda says that her husband decided that the young girl is to carry her late brother’s name but family has taken all the responsibilities of raising the girl and doesn’t expect anyone else to hold their hand.

“She is ours and we will never forsake her neither will we go about asking relatives to chip in,” Linda says.

Bringing her home

Rose, a city teacher, says that last year her aunties asked to take care of her cousin whose mum passed on and she readily took over the task.

The teacher says that her husband not only gave her a need to raise the girl but has been holding her back after the girl came over.

“The day I brought her home, I sat down my two kids who are aged nine and 11 years and explained to them about her coming and guided them to be good hosts to her. They welcomed the new girl but before long they started finding faults in her and became harsh on her. My cousin tried coping with her new home but she would sometimes be seized by bouts of home sickness and I had to assure her that all would turn out well. Eventually, the relationship between them thawed and they now gel so well,” she says.

Rose says she is getting a lot of moral and material support from her maternal family (Rose’s mum and the girl’s father are siblings).

Peter Kirui, a father of two boys, says raising someone else’s child is such a delicate balancing act.

“Some children being raised by people who aren’t their parents are susceptible to untoward feeling of self-pity. You attempt to make her toe the line but she takes it as harassment but again if you became lenient, a feeling of guilt will gnaw at you. Malicious neighbors or relatives may tell the minor that she is being given a raw deal,”  Kirui says.

Jean, an entrepreneur and single mother of a 10-year-old girl, found herself having to raise her brother’s daughter with a woman he dated but didn’t marry. When the child was three years old, her mother gave up her care to her father after they separated. Jean wholeheartedly decided to help her brother raise the child.

“At first, it was a challenge adjusting to the situation but the strong will and encouragement I got from family eased things. My daughter is a year older than her cousin and they instantly struck a rapport. They now attend one school and are inseparable,” Jean says.

Things were to take a new direction when the girl turned seven years old and her mother came for her. Reluctantly, Jean agreed to hand over the child to her.

The girl stayed with her for one year before the mother had a change of heart and again demanded that the father took care of his daughter.

“The matter was taken to authorities and the girl told a children’s officer that she prefers living with me and I was again given the task. In her comeback, the girl was withdrawn but my daughter  socialized her back,” Jean says adding that she advised her brother to apply for full custody of the child to avoid further interruptions and currently he is in the process.

“I now feel fully in charge. My brother and entire family agreed with me that I am the main person to mould the girl. I can’t allow anyone of them to give the girl an ear on the kind of discipline I give her. The fact that the buck stops on me on how the girl grows up makes me cautious and committed. I treat both girls equally in discipline and materially. My house help too assists the girls indiscriminately. I pay her school fees though at times my brother helps when he can. The girl gives a great company to my daughter and I am so happy,” she adds.

Making adjustments

Margaret Njoroge, a counselor at Golden Treasure Counselling Services, gives advice on this delicate matter. She says that before one commits to taking care of someone’s child, she should find out the kind of parenting the kid got from his primary care givers and be patient enough if the minor went through poor parenting.

Njoroge advises that one should give the minor orientation on the way of life in his new home. He should be given time to learn the values and rules in his new family as well and cast off what doesn’t conform to his new family.

 The caregivers ought to understand that in that age, curiosity to discover things is at its peak and so give him room to do so.

“Equally, care should be taken to lessen ‘sibling’ rivalry between the new child and those of the family he is joining. The host children will see him as an intruder out to take what they think is rightfully theirs. It’s up to the caregivers to instill a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood among the kids,’’ she says.

Esther Kinuthia, Psychologist at Baby Insight advises that there is a need to create a warm, welcoming environment for the new child without making it uncomfortable for the host kids.

“The children of the family will go through several adjustments such as sharing their parents, bedrooms and toys. To ward of conflict, involve the children and encourage them to question freely and share their anxieties. Parents need to assure the new child of love as they could be still smarting from problems like death of a parent or rejection. Parents need make an effort to make the kids bond and if it is possible, many occasions should be created prior to the physical move where the children can get to meet outside the home environment and interact even if briefly to facilitate familiarity,” Kinuthia says.

Kinuthia says that in the initial stages, guidance of both sides should be handled separately. Once the children are living together, the same should be done in the presence of all family members to ensure that it is clear to all and gives an atmosphere of openness and trust as both parties of the children are each banking on them and hoping for seamless parenting.

Eunice Owalo a senior medical counselor at Jomo Kenyatta University strongly argues for keener consideration to the mother of that family as she is the one to give care to the minor. She points out that the family new member should be gradually integrated into the new home.

Second chance

The counselor says that when such children join the family, they need to bear in mind that she is likely to be tempted give out the family secrets to the public.

“At the initial stage, she will feel like stranger, and will likely to talk about the family when out of home. A family must therefore guard there affairs closely. Being new, she isn’t supposed to be privy to detail goings-on in the family. The caregivers ought to mould her to keep her mouth shut on family matters,” Owalo advises.

Eunice asks families planning to take in a child to ponder on weightier issues such as, “will they be the one to shoulder the burden of his education or are they assured of assistance elsewhere? Are they the one to provide medical cover for him? Eventually, will the child be entitled to inheritance in this family or will he be asked to step out at some point?”