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During the normal phases of rebellion, a teenager may challenge authority but this is a positive sign and parents must acknowledge that their teens have a real need to be independent, writes JOHN MUTURI
Teen years can be painful for both teenager and parent. Your child who once seemed so content in your care may seem troubled, restless and easily upset. Her emotional highs and lows, bursts of temper, and periods of sluggishness confuse you. You find yourself embroiled in emotional struggles with your emerging adolescent. You wonder whether you are losing touch with your child. Relax! This is normal. You are experiencing the early process of rebellion.
Rebellion is resistance or rejection of authority or control. The emerging adult begins to extricate herself from your values, ideas and controls and attempts to establish her own. So in this sense, it's a positive process.
Through rebellion, the teenager cries out for recognition of her individuality. She is attempting to find out who she is, what she believes, and what she stands for. In her search to find these answers, she may react strongly to your authority. Understand that her reaction isn't something personal against you but something normal developing within her.
Normal rebellion
Normal rebellion leads the adolescent to a mature life. This constructive period assists her in shedding childish ways and developing independence. Her vast mood swings may frustrate you. Often, she behaves like she owns the world.
Before you adjust to that mood, she may plummet into an abyss of despair and hopeless despondency. The maturity of your actions and reactions will help her recognise that life is 10 per cent what happens to a person and 90 per cent how they react to it.
During the normal phases of rebellion, your teenager challenges your authority by talking back to you, arguing with you, testing rules and curfews, questioning religion, and rejecting long-established family values. Many will experiment with alcohol, drugs and sex.
If you adopt a dictatorial and controlling attitude, she becomes obstinate. If you show patience, you will not work yourself out of a relationship.
Abnormal rebellion
Rebellion becomes abnormal when a teenager refuses to abide by reasonable household rules, ignores curfews, habitually experiments with alcohol, drugs, and sex; has repeated brushes with the law or appears in bizarre fashions.
You should always welcome back and demonstrate unconditional, indestructible love to a rebellious teenager, no matter how difficult it may be.
Principles for guiding your teenager
Learn to communicate. Set aside the endless verbal battles that tend to leave you exhausted and discouraged. If your 14-year-old is breaking rules, have a serious conference with her in a public place like in a restaurant where control must be exercised. Convey, without judging, the seriousness of the situation.
Explain that what has been occurring is natural and normal even though not necessarily pleasant. It is part of the process of establishing one's own identity and values. However, just because she desires more freedom, you can't set her free to do whatever she wishes. As a parent you have a responsibility to guide and protect her.
A parent's apology can build your child's respect for you and restore the bond between you two. So apologise for not always reacting in a positive manner. Promise to be more understanding in the future.
Set Limits. Explain that even though she is growing up and will soon be on her own, this does not mean she can be on her own in your home. Enumerate the rules on which you will not compromise. Then calmly let her know that if she chooses to deliberately disobey you, you will resort to drastic measures.
Reassure her of your concern and deep love. Tell her that you want a happy home during your few remaining years left together as a family. Ask for her cooperation in contributing to family harmony and in shouldering her responsibilities around the home. If she remains hostile and defiantly disobedient, seek professional help from a psychologist.
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