Men only: When a man bangs your woman

You have to sing, not say, that saucy headline to Michael Bolton’s ‘When a man loves a woman,’ to get its full flavour...

So, anyway, what’s been trending this week on social media has been a very bitter letter that some Ugandan husband called Mr Sozzi wrote to his beautiful wife’s love rival, a senior branch manager of a mortgage bank, one Ivan Kituuka.

Allow me to entertain you with a summarised version, rafiki.

‘Dear Ivan, you have been banging my wife for over two years now ever since you were her supervisor at Ntinda. Tried to talk to you as a man to stop, but it fell on deaf ears. Even slapping you in Kololo, in front of your customers and subordinates, did not embarrass you into stopping. You have reduced my family to its lowest levels. My wife dresses like a prostitute coz/for you!

You have taken her to all the dancing halls in Kololo – squeezing her, drinking (with) her, eating her in every lodge in town! You have faked trips to the US and UK, defrauding the Bank that you are going on official business, but it is excuse to go on a sex holiday with my wife. I have videos of you two that I will make available to print and social media for yur own wife and kids to see.’

Mr Sozzi did, which is why we are here discussing it this today, but it is his next threat about assassins that is chilling. ‘I have a budget for you, Ivan, two bullets in yur chest then yur head...’

Sozzi then goes on, like in a movie, to tell Ivan he’ll have him killed at either morn, noon or nite. At his gate when he leaves for/returns from work. Or perhaps at his workplace in Wampeo (in front of his co-workers as a warning), or even in the traffic jam if that provides the best opportunity.

‘You may be hit on the streets of Kololo as you jog with my wife, or in those lodges where you go to smash my wife, with a lot of incompetence, Fat Pig!’

In the end, in the recorded video, Ivan dies naked on the floor of the hotel lodge, where just minutes before, he was enjoying the spicy sauces of the feckless and young Mrs Sozzi. Bang!

But what surprised me was the reactions of many women to this story, in a thread I spied on.

‘Oh, Ivan and that Mrs Sozzi had fallen in love,’ (excuse as to why they couldn’t stop the affair).

‘Oh, he listened to her and treated her right,’ (by that I suppose they meant the trips and cash).

‘Oh, he cared for her’ (openly going jogging with her), ‘made her happy’ (open legs, curled toes) to outright saying her hubby must have been a violent man, from slapping Ivan, to hiring hitmen. (It just hit me, no pun intended, that Ivan Sozzi is the perfect name for an assassin).

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Leave the man. Take the kids; or not, your decision.

Let your lover set up a love nest for you, unless you love the illicit thrill of lodges in Kololo.

After all, he has lived up to his title of ‘branch performance and customer experience.’

The problem is when you are sooo selfish you want to have your cake, and still be eaten! Mrs Sozzi wants to stay married, have ‘her home,’ while enjoying benefits of a mistress. But it has all ended loudly, socially noisily, and with both marriage/affair in a bloody mess.

Not that ‘Men Only’ is siding with the methods employed by Mr Sozzi at all. First, you don’t go to fight another man physically over your wife, the way women do. Also, dude, who writes to her workplace, even if you know that is the genesis of the offence?

Don’t assault, but throw her out. Chase her away! Better still, wait for their next trip/sex safari, leave the kid with her mother, sweep the house. Take the car! If you must murder something, drown that annoying cat of hers in the toilet bowl.

When she returns to an empty house, confront her armed with incriminating videos and a lawyer’s letter for divorce on grounds of adultery. Ask my buddy Nelson ‘The Duke’ Havi – attorneys can also be assassins.

Don’t spend the next 10/20 years of your life gnashing in prison in Kololo because of a woman.

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