What to do when your child starts to lie

In any period of rapid learning, a child’s imagination serves a vital function. Through fantasy, she can explore the ideas she is developing. In fantasy lies safety. She won’t need to act out her feelings and desires if she can dream them out. Imagination and wishful thinking help a child explore her new world without the dangers of going overboard.

One behaviour that fantasy and reality meet for a small child is lying. This is normal behaviour in four and five-year-olds and can be an opportunity for parents to teach a child about responsibility to others. That lesson is a lifetime project for all of us.

The main challenge parents have when lying first appears is to control their own overreaction based on their memories. They may have been caught stealing, and shamed and punished. Such painful childhood memories and fears about their child’s future make parents react with horror at the first signs of lying. If they can think back to their own past, it becomes easier to understand the child’s side.

An active imagination is a sign of emotional health at around ages four and five, even if it leads to untruths. And it will. Parents need to be prepared for such lies. As a child’s magical thinking surfaces, a parent can enjoy, if possible, the fanciful results. Overreacting is likely to set them as a pattern, as it may lead the child to believe that she is indeed a liar.

What to do when your child lies:

*First, try to understand the circumstances that led to the episode. Trust the child to mean well, and try to understand her reasons - her fantasies and wishful thinking. Help her to understand them too.

*Next, don’t corner the child or overreact violently. Conscience at this age is just emerging; guilt comes after the act and in response to facing disapproval. The long-term goal is to help the child incorporate a conscience, as psychologists say, “to bring the policeman from the outside to the inside.”Requirement that is too rigid or punishment that is too severe may end up with one of three results: a conscience that is too rigid and relentless, fierce rebellion that makes a child seem amoral, or compulsive repetition of lying.

*When you have overdone your criticism or punishment, or when you are wrong in your accusations, admit it to the child. Use this as an opportunity to discuss how anxious her lying makes you. But assure her that you understand her side of it. Remember that a child’s love for her parents is greater than her love for herself. You can all too easily undermine her self-confidence. But be sure she knows the limits on her lying. You will know that you’re making progress when you and your child can discuss each episode and when you can help her understand her own reasons for lying. When she can begin to acknowledge the truth, you can be certain you’re on the right track. At a later stage, a child will begin to respect others’ feelings and rights.

If lying is repeated over and over, becoming more and more insidious and less related to reality or understandable, you are probably putting too much pressure on the child. This could be an indication that the child does not feel safe to develop her fantasy world at her own pace.

A child who punishes herself and begins to withdraw, who becomes unavailable, or who shows signs of generalised anxiety and self-deprecation, with increasing fears and or night terrors, may be showing signs of the same basic problem.

In the circumstances, you must stop harsh punishments and re-evaluate your own reactions. Also evaluate the child’s life circumstances and the pressures on her. Let up on any unimportant issues. Admit to the child that you’ve been reacting too harshly. Sometimes it helps to use dolls or stories to talk and play the issues out with the child.

If you’re really worried, seek a professional evaluation for your child. Remember that consistent lying is most likely to be a symptom of a child’s inability to accept the limits of her world and the frustration, anxiety, and fearfulness that go with it. These need to be addressed, not  suppressed.