Myth or reality? Why women don't get along

From female friendships fizzling out to ‘baby mamas’ fighting with their boyfriend’s wives, stories abound of troubled women relationships. But is it all true? Does the world present a room for every woman to thrive?

Psychologist Loice Noo Okello tells Eve that the tension between women often stems from a lack of understanding for one another, coupled with the fact that ladies are often dealing with complex emotions.

“It is a fact that women often do not get along. A lot of it has to do with our emotional issues. Many times when people are working with feelings, they need to be understood,” the psychologist says.

“Women also deal with hormonal changes from time to time, and they need support and sensitivity while going through the different intense emotions that come with these changes.”

As for whether two alpha females can get along, Ms Noo says two women with strong personalities can co-exist cordially if they approach their relationship with awareness and tolerance for each other.

Dr Faith Nafula, a psychologist, explains that the disagreements between women are common, and she attributes this to our different upbringings and personality types.

“We have people who come from competitive homes, say a household with many sisters. You may often find yourself arguing with your sisters for small reasons, like they keep taking your shoes,” Dr Nafula says.

The psychologist adds that this competitive nature, coupled with differing personalities, can be a recipe for tension.

“We need to understand that people are different, and they come from different backgrounds. There are the ladies who are loners by nature, maybe they were an only child; and maybe they don’t know how to behave around other ladies,” she says.

She adds: “There are other people who are very sensitive and can easily get offended. At the same time, women are very competitive and often want to be the best at what they do.”

Dr Nafula says that when challenged, the ladies can get jealous and critical.

The psychologist narrows down the problems women face in their relationships with each other to jealousy, competitiveness and even background and birth position.

She says firstborns are often strong willed and take on leadership roles.

“If you put a first-born boss lady and a last-born female employee to work together, there may likely be some strain in that professional relationship.

The psychologist says that two strong willed women may also not get along, as like poles repel.

“If you are two alpha women in a setting, one might start to feel outshone and threatened. It is also not easy for these two to correct each other as the one being corrected may take offense.”

The two psychologists agreed that women don’t have to remain in this confrontational state, rather, with some effort, they can get along.

“Once we understand that we are all unique and that we come from different backgrounds, we can work on accommodating each other,” Dr Nafula says.

“Communication is key. Take time to understand the other person, and if you feel offended, communicate. Women should also respect each other and watch out for each other’s boundaries. If someone is sensitive, don’t provoke them.”

Quoting Professor Sharon Mavin and her co-researchers in an article by Forbes titled ‘Understanding Women’s Negative Interactions With Each Other in the Workplace’, in most cultures there is a strong “Sisterhood Stereotype” when it comes to the discussion on women and the struggles with jealousy as compared to men.

“Girls and women are expected to maintain equality with the women around them. Women’s relationships are often built on what is called “emotional and psychological processes,” like love, envy and competition. These emerge when women perceive differences in each other,” writes Forbes.

“So, if a woman believes that a female coworker is not maintaining “equality” with other women – like when woman gets a promotion and rises through the ranks – she may unconsciously attempt to bring her back down to her own level by using indirect competitive techniques,” the article says.

Psychologist Loice Noo says that speaking from experience, on the flip side, women too can have real, lifelong friendships that survive through the storm.

“I have kept friends for over 20 years, so we have grown to know each other’s boundaries. There are times when you want to withdraw and other times when you want someone to speak to.”

“If we constantly create awareness about women’s relationships and work towards improving them, we can fix the problem. Women’s unions and groups play a pivotal role in this, as they bring the ladies together to bond and understand each other,” she says, adding, “Even better if these groups are of women in the same age- range, where they can talk about issues that affect them directly.”

Dr Faith Nafula adds that selfishness plays a role in the arguments women have, with ‘attention seeking from the wrong places at the wrong time’ causing sparks to fly - in a negative way.

Bad past experiences also dictate how women react to each other with caution and why they won’t get along. They end up feeling that such experiences that left them frustrated are reason good enough not to trust other women.