Help! I want to make genuine friends

Hi Chris,

I get along with the people in my life, but somehow I do not fit in well. What can I do to be more popular and make more friends?

Wallflower

Hi Wallflower!

Some people simply fit in naturally. They are not especially rich, bright or good-looking, but they always seem to have friends, and everyone smiles when they walk into a room.

Children call it popularity. Adults say they have charisma. That special mix of social skills draws people to you.

It is got nothing to do with being at the top of the pecking order. Okay, people suck up to the Big Man and the Prettiest Girl in the Class, but no one actually likes them. They are generally resented because they are almost always selfish and use people. It is only when you are kind and caring that you make genuine friends.

There is more to it than that of course. You also have to be confident. Someone who spreads sunshine all around you. And the key to all this? Looking at things from the other person's point of view.

So when you meet someone, look to see how they are feeling and then try to put them at ease. They are probably even more nervous than you, for example! Hold eye contact with them for an extra second or so. It makes an ordinary moment special, and a real difference to how people respond to you.

Personalise your greetings, and smile a lot. Slow, genuine smiles that involve your whole face. They tell your companion that you like them.

When you're talking to another woman, comment or ask a question before expressing your own opinion. Soften requests with phrases like "Could I ask you to..." Use 'feeling' words and polite expressions like "What do you think?"

When speaking to a man, it helps to be more direct. Lower your voice and say straight off what you want. Simple and complete sentences. Do not start humble "I am sorry to bother you..." State facts rather than feelings, and never apologise unless you mean it!

And you will be more popular!

All the best,

Chris