Radically gentle: New approach to raising children

Gentle parenting advocates for identifying a child's feelings and motivations behind unwanted behaviour, instead of correcting or punishing a child's behaviour in the authoritative way parents of yesteryears did. It involves negotiating or giving a child choice instead of orders, threats or punishment.

Sarah Ockwell Smith, hyped as the founder of this style of parenting, lists empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries as its four elements. It advocates for being a gentle parent even when it comes to discipline.

In the same vein, their is another parenting style that is common and also falls into this gentle parenting style, and that has been heavily adopted. This parenting philosophy involves giving the child everything the parent wanted as a child and never got, or giving the child everything, the child wants or giving the child everything, they have seen other children on television get.

The foundation of this parenting philosophy is to ensure that the child never lacks for anything and gets everything they want. Some parents would rather get into debt than tell a child that they are unable to give them what they desire.

Cautious approach

Yvonne Tiony, author of Raising Children, Raising Hope, says that although gentle parenting has some great aspects, she does not fully support it.

"I believe that there is a place for being firm, and even harsh to ensure that children are disciplined. If you are too gentle with your child they can become manipulative," she says.

"We all have the ability to be manipulative if allowed and children are not an exception. Even babies can manipulate you if you allow them. For example, if they notice that if they cry a certain way they get their way, then they will do it," she adds.

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Yvonne believes adopting the gentle parenting style wholly may disadvantage your child because it will give them a false impression of how the world works since "it is not sustainable." She says that the parenting ideology where parents have the burden to give their children everything they did not get as children, and everything their children want, and to protect them from disappointment and rejection is to disadvantage their children.

"As a parent, it is our responsibility to love, care and even protect our children, but it is not our responsibility to protect them to the point where they are unable to cope or deal with disappointment.

"It is okay to tell them 'no' where it is necessary; it is okay to allow them to experience and even express disappointment, and to see that life goes on despite it," says the wife and mother of three.

"It is better for your children if you do not protect them from the reality of not always having everything. Teach them instead that even if you do not have everything you have something, and that you can still be content even as you aspire for more.

"Do not create a standard of living that you cannot afford in the name of wanting to give your children everything because you believe that that makes you a good parent."

Yvonne says children need to learn about the flexibility of life.

"Do not take away the opportunity for your children to learn that things are not permanent because you want to give them a gentle childhood experience. In life, there will always be high and low seasons. When in a low season you learn to appreciate what you have and have empathy," she says.

Collaboration

Mary Munene, an author and Christian Blogger (Facebook Page: Marriage Chronicles by John & Mary Munene) defines gentle parenting as: " A parenting style that puts the child at almost the same pedestal as the parents, centering itself on collaboration between parents and children. It does not compel the children to do anything harshly, but seeks to understand the child's perspective too."

When asked how practical the parenting approach is based on her experience as a parent, she says: "Most of us grew up with authoritative parents. While we turned out alright, I feel that we missed a huge part of the growth in how we relay our emotions. For most people, the emotional intelligence quotient falls short. Undeniably, this was hugely impacted by upbringing."

"I believe that gentle parenting can be a practical approach but not in its entirety. If it is permissive and enabling, then it might not yield good results.

"Parenting does not have a manual, and parents should explore what works to produce wholesome children. We need balanced children. Children who understand the impact of what they do to others, and the consequences of their choices," says the IT practitioner.

Mary, a wife and mother, says the philosophy of giving your children everything is disadvantageous to your child.

"We all want to give our children the best that life can offer. However, every parent needs to remember that their children will be spouses, and parents someday. We cannot shield our children from all the uncertainties of this world.

"It is therefore important to groom children who not only excel in school but children who can have emotional and social balance," she says.

"They are clay in your hands. Instil in them virtues that would help them navigate the world's harsh terrain, but be vulnerable enough to let them in your world. That way, they will learn that all is not always rosy. We need to teach our children delayed gratification."

Mary says gentle parenting can be dangerous if embraced wholly, and that authoritative parents can breed co-dependent children.

"The passive type of parenting can breed children who are overt in attention seeking. A gentle type of parenting can be dangerous if it is permissive and enabling.

"It can also be a challenge in setting firm boundaries for children who see their parents as collaborators and not a God-given authority over their lives. You can set healthy boundaries for your child. You can groom them to be whole, and you can do all that while still instilling discipline in them," she says.

Mary says that as a child gets older a parent's authority over a child should change.

"Parents should exercise a type of authority over their children's lives that diminish over time. As a child matures and their relationship evolves, the authority moves from obedience to honour. It is not unalterable, but a shifting role," she says.