Help! I keep falling out with my mum

Hi Chris,

Every time I go back to visit my family, I fall out with my mum. All too soon it's like I'm a moody teenager again, with a bad attitude.

And everything my mother says, no matter how innocent, feels like she's nagging me.

I'm a grown woman, so surely this shouldn't be happening!

Any suggestions?

Falling Out

Chris says,

Hi Falling Out!

.

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You're far from alone in this. We all fall back into maddeningly juvenile behaviour patterns when our family of origin gets together again. And the connection between mothers and adult daughters is perhaps the closest and most irritating of all our relationships. It's as if you're feeling like an insecure child again, and your mother's acting like a maddening parent.

So how do you get through a visit with your folks without exploding?

Start by accepting that you'll relive all those childish insecurities. And expect your mother to start annoying you. Prepare yourself before every visit so that you can avoid triggering your worst behaviours. Are there particular topics of conversation that always send your family over the edge? Then try to avoid them.

Try to be empathetic, because most mother/adult daughter interactions involve the daughter feeling criticised by her mother, and the mother feeling her daughter is being too sensitive. So try to remind yourself that what feels like criticism is actually an expression of caring. Your mother just wants everything to go well for you, and she's trying to help. Even if that makes you want to scream.

It helps to escape from time to time, so make some space for yourself. Whether that means cooling down in the bathroom for a few minutes, reducing the length of your visits, or staying at a hotel rather than at your parent's house.

And don't expect anything to change. There's no magic solution to family dramas, so just roll with all the inevitable irritations, and remember that you really do love your mother.

All the best,

Chris