The dating life of a single mum

We are in a time when the traditional family structure that was common in the days of our mothers and fathers has greatly changed.

For example, today we have more people getting married at an older age, is an increase in divorce and others are opting to cohabit instead of getting married. We also have those who are intentionally choosing to be single parents.

In the mix of all this, there is an increase in the number of single mothers through death, divorce, pre-marital birth and adoption. This has led to the rise in single mother-led homes.

Society puts this pressure on women once they are single mothers, to sacrifice everything for their children.

While this might sound noble and even "good", it is not healthy or even fair because single mothers, just like single women who do not have children, also desire to find love.

However, dating for single mothers is full of landmines at every turn because there are many factors to consider. Eve spoke to those who have walked this path to provide helpful tips for single mothers who are looking to date.

Farzana Sumra, 38, the co-founder and managing director of Naveah Capital Insurance Agency, believes single mothers have a right to find love.

Farzana, who has twin boys aged seven and has been divorced for over two years, believes that single mothers should be encouraged to date.

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"I was intentional about giving myself at least two years after the divorce before I started to date again. I have to be intentional about dating and finding love because I have seen a lot of women who become single mothers because of different reasons, who never put themselves out there to find love again, yet men do not even think about it and easily move on.

"My mother, for example, has been a widow since 2007, and she never put herself out there to find love again, and I respect that, but I also saw her loneliness. So yes, children are a gift and are wonderful, but they cannot be your whole life. A woman is more than a mother," she says.

Farzana says being a single mother comes with its share of stigma, especially when it is as a result of divorce.

"When I got divorced, I was treated badly by society. You experience little things like married women not wanting to be your friend or not allowing their husbands to sit near you. You are treated almost like a second-class citizen. I used to feel bad until I put my foot down," says Farzana.

"Then there is the pressure or double standards, where society is okay when single men who have children date, but the same cannot be said of women. Society expects single women to find wholeness and contentment in motherhood, and women who dare to go out to look for love through dating are looked at as being not good. This is the reason many single mothers steer away from dating. They fear being ostracised."

Farzana says single mothers also deserve love just like everyone else. However, she says that while it is okay to date, it should be done within healthy boundaries, and as a result, has several dating rules that she lives by.

"First, I let my date know that I am a mother. Second, I am clear that the man who will be coming into my life is not coming to be a father to my boys, but a role model because they still have a father. Third, I do not invite men to my house.

"Even though I date, my children have never seen a man in my life since I divorced their father, as I do not want to confuse them. I also do not want to introduce my children to someone I am dating unless I get to a point I am certain the person is serious," she says.

"I enjoy going out on dates. I am that lady who pays half the bill and I realise that can intimidate some men, but that is just me. When you date, it is great because you get to know what you want and what you do not. You also get to meet different people and add interesting layers to your life," she says.

Farzana adds that single mothers should not be ashamed because they desire love beyond the love they share with their children.

Although she is enjoying dating, she is not in a hurry to settle down.

"As much as I am getting back into the dating scene, I am also enjoying being single and the freedom that comes with it. In this single season, I have travelled half the world, and got to fully enjoy my space and time. I was married back in 2010 and I never really got a chance to live on my own and this season is precious to me."

Dianah Kamande, a businesswoman and founder of Come Together Widows & Orphans Organisation, who lost her husband in 2013, and remarried earlier this year, says single mothers should open the door to finding love again, but they should not feel pressure.

"Society judges women harshly. When you are widowed, society will question why you are moving on. It does not matter if it is a day after you bury your husband or 20 years after his death. It is as if a woman is required to find completion in her role as a mother and ignore other facets of their lives. If you feel it is time to date again, please do so but within healthy boundaries, and if you are not ready to date do not put pressure on yourself as that is also very okay," she says.

The 39-year-old says that one should get into dating with boundaries firmly in place.

"From the very beginning, let the person know that you have children. Do not ambush them at the last minute. You may not like this, but your children must come first and the man must be approved by the children.

"This is why as soon as you are sure that your relationship is serious you should introduce this man to your children, but you have to be strategic in how you do it. For example, you can invite them as a friend to your house for lunch and watch how they interact with each other. You should be deliberate about creating situations where your children and the man can interact," she says.

Mwendwa Mbaabu is a life-plus spiritual coach, and author, and believes one should not date unless they are clear about why they are dating.

"My needs and boundaries when it comes to dating have over the years evolved. In my 20s and 30s, I dated but I had no intention to get married; I was looking for something casual and my needs revolved around companionship, but not marriage.

I am now 40 and I have a desire to be in a long-term relationship. I have become specific about my standards, and I can see red flags a mile away. Some of the people I dated in my younger years as a single mother, I would not date now," she says.

She too admits that once single mother starts dating, they should set boundaries to protect their children.

"It is important to let the person you are dating know that you have a child. The reality is that some men do not want to date single mothers, and that is alright. Also, I do not introduce my daughter to just anyone unless it is a serious relationship.

"I also do not bring men to my house. If they must come, they are coming only to pick me and even then, they are a 'friend'," she says.

Mwendwa says that depending on a child's age, a parent should know when to tell them that they are dating.

"Between age 10 and 15, a child is especially sensitive and believes that if their mother is dating, her date wants to take their mother away from them. My daughter is now 17 and when she was younger, we did not discuss dating with her, but now she can see and understand that I am getting dressed to go out to meet someone, and I do not hide the truth from her. She now encourages me to date," she says.

However, she warns that even in dating, the child's needs must be put first.

"If you are dating and you feel the person is interfering with your role as a mother, then you need to let him go. Some men can be selfish. They could know you have a child but want to take you on a trip out of town for three nights without regard for your child's needs. Any relationship that comes at the expense of your role as a mother is not good," she says.

Mwendwa says society is not always supportive of single mothers dating, puts pressure on single women to find completion and contentment in being single and makes it seem like their need for love can be quashed with their love for their child or children.

"If you are a single mother and feel you are ready to date, please do not let the opinions of others prevent you from diving back into the dating world.

"A lot of times, women believe the lie that one is not allowed to want love because they are single mothers and can end up having an unhealthy dysfunctional relationship with their children," she says.

"They end up being too attached to their children as they put pressure on them to fill the void or gap that a relationship is supposed to fill, which is unfair to the children. This can cause problems later on when the children get married," she says.