Confessions: My long distance boyfriend is giving up on our relationship

I am 26 and in a long-distance relationship but my boyfriend is insecure about this. There is not much I can do because my parents and brothers do not approve of him. It has been months and I have not seen him because I cannot leave home to go and meet him. He thinks I do not love him and I suspect he cannot stay this long without having someone by his side. I love him but I am not sure where this is going and I don’t think he has confidence in this relationship anymore. Please advise me.

{Laura}

What the readers say: 

Laura, at that age and distance in between, it sounds almost difficult for things to work out. Sometimes nature dictates what we do. He feels insecure about ‘your’ love and at the same time you have that feeling that he can’t wait that long for you who is several miles away. The problem seems to be that you are both not sure about the future of your relationship. You should meet somehow and discuss this. If meeting is impossible then you could as well remain just friends and see if things take a different direction. For now, things seem impossible and, truth be told, you are merely passing time together. Just be frank with each other. If either party gets a serious partner so be it, you will one day reunite.

Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo

To me distance does not matter. What matters is faith, trust and true love, whether your partner is near you or far from you. If someone is loose then he or she will cheat. But if they have principles, then they will keep their promise and keep the fire burning. If you meet once in a while, do not take the risk of having unprotected sex. Let your relationship be known to your families, friends and elders. 

Onyango Outha

Laura, please understand that a long distance relationship has many challenges and uncertainties. It seems you two are having trust issues, so you need to work on that. Find out why your parents and brothers are against the relationship, then have a conversation between the two of you and come to a common understanding that works for both of you. 

Kevin Moen

Boke says:

Dear Laura, 

You have told us so much about your boyfriend's predicament but what about you? What is your feeling towards the whole relationship? 

Long distance relationships are becoming a normal thing. Actually most if not all relationships at one time or another experience a moment where the partners are apart.

In such times the individuals have to come up with a workable strategy.  

In your case, unless your boyfriend is out of the country or otherwise, you should make plans to eventually visit him. You do not need to move from home against your family's wish. At your age you can travel for a weekend and he also can do the same. 

You could also take advantage of technology and do video calls. Just find ways to stay connected. Relationships do not work on their own, they are made to work. 

If either of you sits there feeling insecure and whining about your situation then nothing will work. On the other hand, one can sense a lack of commitment to this relationship. If, for some reason, your confidence in him is fading away just be open and let him know. It is more honourable to end a relationship that you do not feel okay about than to feign that all is well hoping that things will change.  

Both of you need a good sit down moment and discuss things as honestly as possible and come up with a plan to move forward. If that is not possible then gladly set yourselves free. 

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology 

Simon says:

Laura, there is only so much you can do about someone already insecure in a relationship. First, this is a long-distance relationship and you said it has been months since you last saw him. 

At this early stage, it can get complicated for a couple to be in a long-distance relationship because you have not developed some of the key elements that can hold the relationship together through the long-distance and extended periods of time apart.

For such an early stage relationship, I would encourage you to let go of it early and look to get into another easier and more meaningful relationship that is not long distance. This will help you manage things and you will have a chance to develop a solid relationship moving forward. 

Yes, it is somewhat hard for a man to stay for many months without seeing his girlfriend and expect him to remain to be as white as snow. I can assure you that he has not been waiting for you as you have been waiting for him. As a matter of fact, perhaps he also convinces himself that you are probably not waiting for him so this becomes his ticket to doing whatever he pleases.

Long distance relationships are often complex and require couples that have been in the relationship for a reasonable period of time, allowing key elements of the relationship such as security, trust and emotional investment to mature. 

Also it helps when the couples understand each other well to know each other's weaknesses and strengths. All these help to mitigate against the many risks that befall relationships of this kind. 

For now, I would encourage you to let go and focus on your own growth. With time you will find another relationship that is a better fit.

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor

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