Confessions: Could I be losing my wife to a ‘Nigerian businessman’?

I have been married for six years and have one child. Our love life is good and everything was pretty much OK until she became friends with a Nigerian man. My problem with this friendship is that she chats with this man every day in the name of doing business with him. I have found explicit e-mails from him and when I confronted her over them, she insisted that he was just a friend. This guy seems to have connections to some big business deals and this is why my wife is staying close to him. The deals are just about to come through but I am afraid that she is getting too close to him and that she may actually fall in love with him. I really love her but I think she is just about to start cheating on me if she has not already done so. I don’t know what to do in this situation. Please advise me.

{John}

What the readers say:

I advise you to tell your wife to introduce you to this Nigerian man and whenever and wherever they meet with him let you be present. If it is business let you or a male relative of your choice be present. She should know the difference between relationships, friendships and business. That man may be using her for illegal business e.g. transporting narcotics and she risks going to jail. Or report this issue to the concerned authority to investigate the type of business these two among others are doing.

{Onyango Outha}

What you should do is sit down your wife and tell her your fears. Also, step up as a man and take a strong stand against this matter. Have you provided all the necessary provisions as the head of the home to prevent your wife from falling into the trap of ‘business ventures’?

{Aseri Dick}

For one the person on the other side of the net could actually not be a Nigerian. She is most likely dealing with a smooth cybercriminal and unless she stops immediately, the losses will be massive. There are two options and both should apply. First say no to it and be firm.

Secondly share the link with anti-cybercrime unit since I am sure several other people must have been duped into the same web. Warn her that this man could be.

{Tasma Saka}

Simon says:

John, if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck then it is a duck. There are several things that are almost guaranteed when dealing with men from the west living abroad and these are that one, they have a way with the ladies; two, you will get conned and three, nothing good ever comes from such dealings. In all instances, the victims go down so fast that none of them is able to tell what hit them.

Yes, like I told you, they have a way with the ladies so on this one it is not just about business, she is taken. Two, there is always a big, lucrative business deal that is just about to come through – but it will never come through. The only thing that will come through is that your wife will lose money and most probably property in chasing this deal and with the cash in hand, the guy will unceremoniously disappear and move to the next victim. None of the deals they present or talk about are legitimate and they mostly involve counterfeit currency, shipments in high seas (hence their preference for Kenya due to the port at Mombasa) or narcotics.  In some cases they work closely with rogue policemen so they set you up then policemen show up and arrest you forcing you to pay a hefty bribe to get yourself out of something you never got into in the first place.

With this I encourage you to get someone who is experienced in such dealings and talk to her early. You see most of his associates living abroad are actually on the run and they are experts in fraud, money laundering and general con business. Ask her to show you someone who has made money from associating with them. Beware that she could already be eating from the palm of his hand being that when it comes to women, they get to them through the heart. Do this early because when they strike, the target often has little or no recourse. Do not bother so much as to what could have happened behind closed doors, you have an obligation to save her from this lest you will also loose. Move with speed and you will be thankful you did otherwise prepare yourself for the worst. There are no two outcomes to dealings with such men.

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

John, you seem to be torn between calling your wife to order and letting her pursue the so-called grand business deals. You must be struggling to balance being a supportive husband and being a protective one. This is an awkward position for any relationship.

Flirting and business do not go hand in hand. Many people are trading big volumes in business without even meeting face to face. There’s no need for your wife to flirt and jeopardise your family. As a matter of fact, serious business people do not mix business with friendship.

I think your wife’s business partner is using the deal as bait and the supposed returns of the deal have impaired her judgement. It would not be surprising that there is actually no business deal anywhere. He could be a con and that the ‘almost there’ story is just a way of keeping your wife available.

Well, that is why you are there -- to help her see this. Unless you have other problems within your relationship, you must find a way of helping her sober up and see that her family is at stake.

It is important for her to know you appreciate her efforts in growing the family’s resources but family comes first. Her hard work would have no meaning if she were to lose the family. You could also encourage her to find other partners in that area of business who are sincere, so that the superman image that this particular partner seems to be having can fade away.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background  in Counselling Psychology