Confessions: My older boyfriend is too mean with his money

I am 17 and my boyfriend is 33 years old. I really love him and he always promises a good life ahead and that he will marry me. The only problem with him is that he is very mean with money and cannot even pay for my school fees. He hardly ever buys me anything even the simple presents boyfriends buy for their girlfriends. He always promises to pay my school fees but when the time comes, he becomes cold and avoids talking to me. Any discussion about money annoys him and makes things very difficult for us especially when he accuses me of being only after his money. He says he loves me very much but I am doubtful of this. I don’t know if to continue with him or not please help me decide on this.

{Sharon}

Hilda says,

Dear Sharon,

Just going through your question is saddening by itself. The sad thing is that you are getting yourself into such a relationship at your age. For your information, relationships can be so messy and your tender age does not help.

At your age, you should be concentrating on your studies. You are not mature enough to handle the emotional and psychological demands of such a relationship and at the same time give the deserved attention to your studies.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is almost twice your age, is done with basic education and most likely has a thriving career. His life is on course and you are the only one struggling with distractions. It will be immoral to tell you to be patient with him or talk to him. You should not be in this relationship in the first place.

Give your studies the attention required. I do not know why you want your boyfriend to pay your school fees. That is the duty of a parent or guardian. In case, for some reason, you have a challenge with your school fees, get help from appropriate places. There are bursaries from the constituency and even counties. Talk to your parents or a Guiding and Counselling teacher in your school to help get these bursaries. Otherwise, this boyfriend is likely to take advantage of your situation.

Working hard at your studies at this time will benefit you more than this relationship. Your being a secondary school student is time bound but you can be in a relationship at any time of your life. So make the most of this time.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

Boke says,

Sharon, Sharon, Sharon. One of the critical lessons you will learn is that life is not always fair and, as such, you will always come across such people and situations that fall short of your expectations. Your frustrations are valid especially because he will not give you money, pay your school fees or buy you the nice things that men buy for their girlfriends so I agree that this is somewhat unacceptable.

However, sometimes when people don’t live up to our expectations, there is always an opportunity to evaluate the situation and this will more often than not include evaluating ourselves. First, you are essentially too young to be engaging in relationships with adults. At 17, your focus should be more on your studies other than thinking about what men can do for you and how much money they are giving you. This path that you have set off on will only lead you into deep trouble.

The greater problem I find in this situation is that you expect a 33-year-old man to pay for your school fees and do all the things that men do for their girlfriends. This, I find rather appalling and cannot help but wonder; are you looking for a boyfriend or a parent? Boyfriends don’t pay school fees for their girlfriends! School fees is the responsibility of your parents and expecting a 33-year-old man to pay for it is just unreasonable and by all means not fair to him. At 33, he probably has only just found his footing in this life after struggling through college and a new career.

In your best interest, I encourage you to reconsider and carefully think about your understanding and expectations of a relationship. This will help you tone down on your expectations and therefore create room for smoother and less abrasive relationships. As you put down your expectations from the men that come into your life, kindly know that even those men are struggling with many things and so not everyone will be able to meet all your expectations. Lastly, I encourage you to focus more on your studies and wait till you turn 18 years. Duly note that it is an offence to engage in sexual relations with a minor and so if you are both sexually involved, this is a recipe for trouble (especially for him).

Simon is a relationships counsellor