Why does my husband watch pornography?

I am in a three-year relationship and I live with my boyfriend. We love each other but I have noticed that whenever we get intimate, he watches porn on his phone so that he can reach his climax. He doesn't know that I am aware of this because he actually puts it under the pillow and uses earphones in the process. I am somehow worried because I don't understand why he has to watch such things to get satisfaction. Is it that I am not good enough for him or does he not find me attractive anymore? I really don't know what is going on here and I don't know how to confront him about this. Please advise me. {Cynthia}

Your Take:

Your man is addicted to pornography and people going through such problems cannot get aroused without concentrating on a few images in their brains first. The key to sexual success is balance.

You should be open to the process of discovery that is inherent in regard to intimacy and you both need to understand each other’s needs. Tell him what you think and ask him to be honest with you about his needs. Be open to each other and this will be resolved.

{Andrew Didy Chaplin}

Your man is not the only one going through this, there are many other young men battling such issues. This, many times affects intimacy and women bear the brunt as they feel as if they are to blame for their partners’ lack of satisfaction in the bedroom. Talk to him and find out what his needs are and be ready to help him out of this.

{Pastor Ben Shikukhu}

Your man may be having certain sexual fantasies that he fulfills by watching those videos. This needs to be addressed early enough or you may end up with a sexless marriage. Try and understand what excites him in the videos and give him that.

{Tasma Saka}

You need to understand what exactly he does with his phone. He may be capturing intimate images of you and selling them for money. He could even damage your reputation without your knowledge.

 If it is pornography he wants to watch, tell him that you want to watch with him to see what he gets from it. Also try and understand what kind of pornography he watches.

{Onyango Outha}

Counselor’s Take:

Cynthia, this is a deeply engraved problem that may need specialized attention to resolve. There are many forms of addiction which include masturbation, voyeuristic, anonymous, commercial, exploitative and sadistic among others.

Voyeuristic sex is the situation where a person has to observe other people in the act to get his thrill (as your fiancée does) while exploitative sex is that which involves uneven power relations between the parties such as rape or paedophilia.

Anonymous sexual addition is where a person has an insatiable desire to engage in sexual activity with strangers and sadistic sexual addiction is where people perform unnatural acts on each other such as inflicting pain or other forms of torture on each other usually voluntarily to get their satisfaction.

Your fiancée is addicted to voyeuristic sex where he seems to get aroused and intrigued through watching other people engaging in intimacy. This manifests itself in many ways such as watching pornography, secretive intrusion such as peeping or visiting places where sexual activity is exposed.

Generally, these are usually termed as unusual sexual tendencies and they emanate from various personal desires or fantasies that exist in the mind. They involve the most powerful sexual organ which is the brain and can be so deeply entrenched that it becomes impossible or essentially difficult to even get aroused in their absence.

You ought to have candid discussions with him about this, first by letting him know that you are aware of it and help him acknowledge that there is a problem with his sex life. This acknowledgement is essential as it opens the way for him to seek and get professional help.

Do not condemn or criticize him as he can get into a highly defensive and closed space that will only make the problem worse. Encourage him to talk about it and try to understand the origin, background and what has propelled it this long.

All these issues occur and sometimes in healthy relationships and may not have anything to do with the sexual partner. They may be orchestrated by engraved thoughts, past experiences or just active fantasies.

 However, they remain to be complex problems deeply engraved in the individual’s brain. There can be no simple solution to complex problems and matters of the brain take time to resolve. They require a conscious desire to resolve by the individual as well as extended support from persons close to them to provide for and ease the healing process.

Correction of such unusual and sometimes inbuilt tendencies is a process that takes time and a host of other resources but it can be worthwhile in the long-run if all parties are committed to the journey. {Taurus}