When your man is messing with your mind

Hi Chris,

I think I’m going crazy. My boyfriend has told me I’m too sensitive and overly emotional so many times that I’m starting to believe it. How can I get better?

Nuts

Chris says,

Hi Nuts!

You’re not crazy, you’re probably being gaslit. It’s a form of emotional abuse. Your boyfriend is manipulating your sense of reality until you begin to doubt your sanity. Gaslighters are often charming exploiters and convincing liars who never admit they’re wrong.

Gaslighting is surprisingly common in romantic relationships, and the name comes from a 1940s Ingrid Bergman film in which her husband tries to drive her insane.

For example, you tell a joke. Everyone laughs, but he says it wasn’t funny. A few remarks to a waiter and you’re accused of flirting when you know you weren’t. He keeps saying ‘I never said that’ when you’re sure he did. You ask a reasonable question only to be told you’re nagging. You see him with someone and he says ‘You must be paranoid to think I’d cheat on you’.

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Eventually, you start to feel a little crazy. You know something’s wrong, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. You find it hard to make simple decisions. You feel like you can’t do anything right.

Gaslighting usually builds up very slowly, so at first the lies are reasonable: ‘I’m sorry I’m late, I lost track of the time. But the deception grows: ‘I told you I was going out, you must have forgotten. And so you start to question yourself.

Gaslighting is often more upsetting than whatever the gaslighter is trying to hide. Even infidelity. Betrayed spouses almost always say that it’s not the affair that hurts the most. It’s the endless lies and emotional abuse.

Fortunately, once you know all about gaslighting, it won’t happen again. So talk to a counsellor to help you get over the feeling of being crazy. And if you ever feel that your boyfriend is trying to make you think there’s something wrong with you, you’ll quickly start to take a closer look at your relationship. Because when something starts to feel wrong, it usually is.

All the best,

Chris