What not to say to a woman who has had a miscarriage

Wanjiru says many friends and relatives of women who have miscarried do not know how to comfort them.

There is a group that gives Biblical clichés. Those who will say: “All things are working out for your good”. Wanjiru has this to say to these people: “Shut up!” A woman who has had a miscarriage already knows that all things happen for a reason but it is not the right time to make such statements when a woman is grieving.

Wanjiru says sometimes the best thing someone can do is to just be there – visit and help out in the house without necessarily talking.

“One of the nicest things one of our close couple friends who didn’t have a car did, was that they travelled all the way from the other side of the city and brought us food. You know a grieving woman is in no mood to cook or host guests, so such small gestures mean a lot,” she says.

Wanjiru says the worst kind of people are the superstitious folk who make careless remarks behind grieving women’s backs, saying a woman who has had miscarriages, especially multiple ones, is bewitched. She says one of the mean things she was told was that she probably had miscarriages because “maybe your husband did not finish paying your dowry”.

Why is no one talking about miscarriages?

After Wanjiru started to heal from the pain of loss, she did what we all do these days – she turned to doctor Google to find research and statistics on miscarriages and what she found was shocking – up to 25 per cent of pregnant women have a miscarriage in the US. She thought to herself – if the numbers are so high, how come no one is talking about it? And if the numbers are so high abroad where healthcare is much better, what are the numbers in Kenya?

When Wanjiru resigned from her job during her first pregnancy due to the complications, she started blogging primarily on marriage topics. But after the miscarriages, she shifted gears to blogging about miscarriages. The first time Wanjiru shared her story about her miscarriage on her blog, she got overwhelming response from other women who had gone through it too. That was to be the beginning of what would become the ‘Still a Mum’ movement.

Finding her purpose

Wanjiru decided to dedicate her time to her ‘Still a Mum’ blog and formed an organisation under the same name. During the week leading up to Mother’s Day, she ran a campaign under the hashtag #stillamum which trended. The organisation celebrated all mums in their different shades – mums who have miscarried, single mums, IVF mums, step-mums, mums who have had Caesarean sections and adoptive mums.

‘Still a Mum’ was officially registered on October 15 last year. The date coincides with the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The organisation focuses on offering support to women who have had miscarriages as well as creating awareness on miscarriages. It runs a five-session programme similar to an ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’ setup.

In the programme, women are not told what to do or what not to do to avoid miscarriages in the future. The forum is a safe place for women to just let it all out – the pain, anger and tears. In subsequent sessions, women talk about how to get unstuck. The programme challenges women to pick one thing to focus on that will excite them and keep their mind off falling into depression. Wanjiru says many women choose to commit to losing weight.

If your dreams don’t scare you...

Wanjiru has big plans for her organisation. She refers to Richard Branson’s quote: “If your dreams don’t scare you, they are not big enough.” The plan for 2016 is to open offices in at least two counties – Meru and Thika and one other country in East Africa as well as form partnerships.

As for whether she is trying to become a mother again, Wanjiru has this to say: “I already am a mother of two children; they are just not here physically.” And although she says it is no one’s business whether she is trying to have another baby in the future, especially if “you do not know me like that”, if you must know, the answer is yes.