Dating after being in an abusive relationship is hard, to put it simply. Small, unexpected things are a trigger. Abusive relationships, as I’ve come to realise, have a lasting effect on your mental health. Three of the four relationships I have been in have had some form of abuse; physical, verbal, emotional. Even when I’ve made every effort to move on from those relationships, cutting off my abusers completely, I still have my demons to vanquish.
With that in mind, here are some things that you need to know before you date a girl who has been emotionally abused.
1. She is emotionally fragile
A girl who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship is vulnerable. Anything is a trigger for an over-the-top outburst. She will either lash out or clam up. Communication becomes an issue.
Be patient with her as she works on her fragile emotions. If she needs a hug, give it to her. Let her cry when she feels vulnerable. Your assurances will play a big role in helping her get a hold of her emotions.
2. Poor communication
She will struggle to express herself. When faced with confrontation or a need to give her opinion, she will retreat into silence. She is conditioned to silence to avoid fights and isn’t used to being allowed to speak up or have her opinion sought.
Create a safe space within your relationship where she knows that she can speak her mind without judgement. Watch how you react to the things that she says because a negative reaction might cause her to retreat into her shell. While you will not allow her to take the blame when she isn’t at wrong, let her take responsibility for her mistakes.
3. Lack of confidence
In her past relationships, she has been put down and compared to others. She is used to blaming herself even when it’s not her fault. Her self-esteem has been shattered. She will often feel like she doesn’t deserve you and that she isn’t enough for you and will be waiting for you to leave her.
Whenever she falls into the trap of self-blame or self-destruction, remind her of her good qualities and tell her why you fell in love with her. This will help her in her journey to rebuild her confidence.
4. She will take her time trusting you
When you’ve had someone break your trust, it becomes very hard to believe in others, even when you have no reason to doubt them. A girl who’s been in an emotionally abusive relationship will constantly look for ulterior motives. She will question everything you do, even the seemingly harmless things.
Give her time and she will eventually learn that you want nothing but good for her. When she asks you to explain something, do so calmly because she just wants clarification.
5. She will push you away
After being in an abusive relationship, your girl will develop a fear of anyone getting too close. This fear stems from past experiences where she allowed people into her life who ended up hurting her. Thus, when she notices that you are getting too close, she will push you away.
Be stubborn enough to stay by her side and at the same time give her time to come round. She might be pushing you away but deep down she wants you to hold onto her. She craves the assurance that you are here to stay and that should she give you her heart, you will protect it like you do your own.
Girls who have been in abusive relationships and come out of them are strong. Once in a while, they might need a reminder of their strength. You will find that deep down, underneath all those scars, is a lovely girl whose only desire is to love you.