This week’s topic:
I have been in a come-we-stay relationship for six years and I have two children. My firstborn is from a past relationship I was in before I fell in love and kind of accepted to live with my boyfriend but the second child is his. I am now concerned about our "marriage" because he has never introduced me to his family for all these years. The only person I know is his sister even though we don't get along very well. I am worried because I hear that he is seeing another lady and is even planning to take her to his home. My sources also tell me that she is pregnant even though he denies everything every time I ask him about this. This issue is stressing me up and I really don't know what to do. Something tells me that he may be serious about her and he is only buying time. Please advise me.
{Linda}
Your take:
Next time you will have to be careful with men. If your sources are reliable, the writing is on the wall and the man is gone. You can begin planning on how to take care of your kids. Hold each of the men liable or go it alone.
{Tasma Saka}
My advice is that you legalise your marriage through the church, attorney general’s office or customarily. Also, you should get a birth certificate for your child and the other child using their real father’s documents for their future upkeep. Demand to be taken to your father-in-law and mother-in-law for their blessing. Otherwise you cannot prevent him from marrying someone else unless you have valid reasons and evidence.
{Onyango Outha}
Yours is not a marriage but a “come we stay” relationship for his convenience. Take off as soon as you can.
{Ouma Ragumo- Sifuyo}
Linda, you’re going to have to accept one thing. You were not on this guy’s dinner plate to begin with. You were a side dish and you will always be the side dish whether the ugali has landed on the table or not. Even if there is no other woman, it is clear that this guy is not planning to elevate your status any time soon. Go and find some other man who will make you his ugali, nyama choma and even his kachumbari. You’re wasting your time here.
{Drew Kogo}
Linda, you’re the best person who can discover the truth of your ‘man’. You’ve been with him for a reasonable period. He should have introduced you in the second year of your courtship because serious courtship takes maximum of three years. Don’t believe the rumours, just pursue him to reveal the truth.
{Mary Sang}
Counsellor’s take:
When does a man introduce his fiancée to his family? Well, this is different for every man but one thing is for sure; a man introduces a girl to his family (especially his mother) only when he is absolutely sure that she is the one. This takes time but most certainly not five years. You need to know if he is deliberately avoiding introducing you to his family or if he is just not ready. How does he handle his family functions? The fact that you have not attended any of his family functions raises more questions than answers. Something may be brewing behind your back and you ought to be alert. However, if I could play the devil’s advocate, there is one issue of concern that may justify why he is avoiding introducing you to his family - your first child.
Men have peculiar tendencies when it comes to dating a woman that has a child or children from another man. When they find themselves in such a situation, they have two common reactions to it; one, they may run for dear life, lose their phone and relocate their jobs to a far away location or two, they learn to accept the child /children and make a life with them.
Often, they will not have a big problem with this situation and thing can go either way. The interesting thing is that once a man accepts children from a former relationship and you give him children of his own, with time he won’t even differentiate which children belong to who but if he rejects the child, then that is it.
He may be struggling with the issue of introducing a woman who has a child from another man to his family, but there is absolutely no justifiable reason to keep his child a secret. That child belongs to that family and it’s only fair that they get to know the child and the child gets to know them regardless of the other prevailing facts.
In addition to this, five years is rather long for someone you live under the same roof to keep you as a hidden secret from his family and friends. What if something happened to him? Who would you contact? You also need to be accountable to yourself in the first instance and then to your friends about the last 5 years, what is there to show for it apart from the baby? What plans does he have for you? All these are issues that need to be addressed and the earlier this is done the better it is for everyone.
{Taurus}