I am 30, living and working in Nairobi and have been dating this woman for two years. She is 34 and a single mother of two girls. I love her and I am considering marrying her. However, there are some problems that I am struggling with.
First, my family members want nothing to do with her and my mother is threatening to commit suicide if I marry this woman. Second is that her daughters are from different fathers and I am uncomfortable with that.
I love the two girls and we get along well but my family is clear about this. They call her all sorts of names because they know her well and whenever I plan that she accompanies me for a family gathering, they all boycott attendance. It seems I am being forced to choose between my family and the love of my life. Please help me.
{Leonard}
Your take
Marriage in an African society is more of a community affair than individual. You may need to listen to your relatives to understand where they are coming from and why they have such strong feelings about her.
{Aseri Dick}
There is a big difference between cohabiting with a woman and taking her as a wife. Do you know why the other two men left her? Look for a woman who has not given birth or who has given birth once. A mistake repeated twice is not a mistake.
{Nyakwar Oliech – Luhano}
Having two daughters from different men is not something you or your family can use to judge her. However, you want the woman you love to be accepted by your family members. Your mother will never commit suicide.
My advice is that you let her go for about six months and see what she will do about it. If she finds herself another man, forget about her. If not, take her and share the situation in your family and let her win their love gradually. Marriage is between two people but you also need the support of your family and friends.
{Granny Lucy Nyakamwenda}
You need to reassess yourself to be sure your feelings for her are genuine. Also try and understand why your family is rejecting her. Their reasons may be genuine.
{Tasma Charles}
Leonard, I understand how much you love this woman. However, it is important to understand why your family is against this marriage. I will advise you to go slow and allow them to share with you their side of story. It’s only through these healthy discussions that you can also give your side of story.
{Andera Ngota}
Leonard, you are the one who knows what you feel about this lady. Someone once said when you find everybody going in the opposite direction to where you are heading, there is a problem. Try to understand why your family is against this but the easier route will be to get a young lady to marry. There are many young single ladies ready to start a family.
{Ouma Ragumo}
You are old enough to make your own decisions. You knew all the facts right from the beginning and you accepted her. Why is this becoming an issue now? This relationship is between you and her so leave your family out. If you truly love her, go ahead and marry her. Family members should not force you to marry another woman who you do not love because it is you who will live with the woman not them.
{Fred Jausenge}
Counsellors take
Leonard, your predicament is understandable and not entirely strange. It is always difficult for a man especially in our African society to introduce a woman who has children from another family as is potential wife.
Families are usually hard at accepting children from other families unless it is specifically designed to be so i.e. there are other underlying problems being addressed by so doing. However, this is not to say that single mothers have no chances of getting married. They do get married and almost all of them go through similar problems to the ones you are experiencing.
My primary concern is not even with your family but with you. You said that you are uncomfortable with the fact that she has children from different fathers. My question to you is, why did you let it get this with such strong sentiments about her children?
Further, you also mentioned that your family members know her well and that they call her all manner of names. Could this be because of her character? Does she have a somewhat questionable character in society? This could be the reason why your family members want absolutely no relations with her and this will follow you for the rest of your life.
Generally, it would work differently and much better than this if they did not know her. To them, she would be a stranger and they would take time to figure her out. She is a local and if they know her well then it is going to be a n uphill task.
However, the decision lies with you. However, I encourage you to talk to those that “know her well” and understand their concerns with her. Then go ahead and investigate the concerns and if you can life with them (if they prove to be true) then stand your ground. Family members (especially the women) will always take issue with any woman who is being introduced into their family. It is up to you to state your position on this matter and stand your ground. However, you need to do some ground work and engage in some deep soul searching to firm up your opinion about the girls and whoever their fathers may be as well as to deal with the concerns being raised by your family members. They may be genuine.
{Taurus}