This week, I received several emails from Eve Woman readers struggling with their relationships and would like to connect better with their partners, to feel loved and valued. Joyce said, “My husband tells me, he loves me and I should not complain because he learnt to get busy since I was emotionally absent at some point. He blames me for the distance in the relationship and moves on as if I do not exist.” Doesn’t every relationship go through various levels of intimacy in order to thrive?
What is Intimacy?
Intimacy is the closeness, oneness, togetherness of relationships with a partner; physical, emotionally, intellectual, recreational and spiritual. In many ways intimacy is a journey that lasts throughout your marriage life. I agree with Olson and Olson (2000), who asserts that “Married people tend to be healthier, live longer, have more wealth and economic assets, and have more satisfying sexual relationships. Mental health is also better for couples with healthy intimacy.
Physical/Sexual is one of the most important dimensions of healthy marital intimacy. Sex is a vital component of marriage and married life. Healthy sexual intimacy includes sexual frequency that both partners are satisfied with, sexual activities both partners enjoy, and an open dialogue about sex. Couples that have a strong bond of friendship enjoy quality sexual satisfaction due to good communication of needs and expectations. According to most studies, more than half of all married couples have trouble discussing sexual issues and as a result become challenged.
Emotional
Enjoying emotional intimacy with your partner is one of the most satisfying and fulfilling experiences that one can achieve. Emotional intimacy is the closeness created through sharing feelings. The first step to emotional awareness is to pay attention to feelings, identify them, and think of possible reasons for them. Emotional intimacy can occur once partners know what they are feeling, convey those feelings to each other, and express concern and understanding of their feelings to each other. As a result there is a general sense of a deep connection with each other. This brings about oneness, deep love for one another, trust and higher levels of fulfilment and satisfaction.
Recreational
Most often partners come together around their mutual interests, therefore enjoying activities together gives partners an opportunity to get involved in an activity they both enjoy which is powerful in building intimacy. They have “quality time” together, a love language for many, clearly articulated by Garry Chapman in his writings on The Love Language.
Intellectual
Most partners do not recognise the importance of intellectual intimacy in relationships which is a vital component in the relationship. Common values bring both partners together in whatever they seek to do with mutual agreement. Although they may not share the same view, they are mature enough to agree to disagree yet remain friends regardless. They are able to explore their world view with openness and creativity without being judgemental. The levels of loyalty, commitment and trust are high. The level of communication, care and compassion is also highly rated and partners are able to enjoy deep meaningful and fruitful relationships.
Spiritual intimacy involves sharing religious beliefs and observing religious practices together, such as praying and attending church. Praying together with your partner is rewarding and enhances intimacy. If you and your spouse struggle with differing religious beliefs it may be helpful to seek help. According to scriptures two cannot walk together if they are unequally yoked.
Above all else, mutual trust builds a sense of security and is the foundation of all relationships. Work on it, guard it with your heart, where it has been lost, rebuild trust, it is always worth it. There is no relationship that cannot be restored! Give it every chance, you can love and thrive once again, it is all in the power of the mind. Have a positive attitude and focus on what matters in building intimacy.
The writer is a Relationship Coach and Author, Marriage Built to Last. www.jenniekarina.co.ke