Lydia Kanini, recalls a challenging childhood marked by parental hostility and harsh treatment. She and her siblings, two boys and three girls, often felt like they were walking on eggshells, constantly trying to please their parents without success.
The second born says; “We grew up in a combat-like environment with our parents calling us unprintable names whenever we failed to meet their expectations, and the only time we ‘felt at home’ was when we visited our aunt and uncle,” says Kanini,
She says they always looked forward to visiting their “cool Musaimos” family as they referred to them.
They would eventually come to terms with the “name-calling” from their parents. She recalls an incident when her brother almost committed suicide because their father often referred to him as “an old ape” whenever he was at fault.
“It’s like our parents never cared about the shaming language they use to discipline us, and even when we were on the ‘good side’, they still used negative references,” says Kanini. `
According to Lisa Wanjiro, a family counsellor, sometimes, even with the best intentions, parents can unintentionally cause emotional harm to a child.
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“Shaming, whether intentional or not, and especially through repeated experiences can have long-lasting effects on a child’s self-esteem and emotional well-being,” says Wanjiro, adding that shaming practices can lead to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety in children.
The experts share some of these common inadequacies that parents might not realise are shaming their children and how to address these actions constructively as follows:
Using negative language
The counsellor says the words parents use while addressing their children can impact them negatively. Such phrases like “You act like an old ape, “You are so lazy” or “Why can’t you be our neighbours’ son”, can internalise a negative self-image in children.
“Negative labelling can lead to children believing these descriptors as truths, and this can hinder their personal growth and self-worth,” says the expert, adding that positive fortification and productive criticism should replace negative labels.
The focus, she says should be on the behaviour, not the child, when addressing issues.
She explains for instance, instead of saying, “You’re so messy,” a parent should use, “Let’s work together to keep your room clean.”
Comparing your child to others
According to Wanjiro, one common and harmful behaviour by parents is comparing their children to others. Most likely, a classmate, a sibling, or a friend’s child. These comparisons, says the counsellor, can make a child feel inadequate.
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, children who are frequently compared to others by their parents are more likely to develop low self-esteem and social anxiety.
Instead of comparisons, focus on your child’s unique strengths and encourage them to achieve their personal best. The expert advises parents to avoid such situations.
Reprimanding your children before others
According to family therapist, Charles Mutiga, if a child has errored, the positive thing to do is to reprimand the child in privacy. “Publicly reprimanding a child, whether in front of family members, friends, or strangers, can be deeply humiliating for them, and when children are corrected or scolded in front of others, it can lead to feelings of shame and embarrassment, which may affect their self-confidence,” says Mutiga.
He further says that children who are frequently reprimanded in public settings are more likely to experience social anxiety and withdrawal, as they may become overly concerned about how other people perceive them.
Ignoring their emotions
Mutiga says many parents do not know that children’s emotions are often intense and can be overwhelming for parents to manage.
He says dismissing or invalidating their feelings can make them feel ashamed of their emotions.
“Studies on children psychology have found that children who feel their emotions are not valued by their parents are more likely to suppress them, leading to emotional and behavioural issues in adolescence,” he says. Instead of brushing off their feelings, he says, parents should acknowledge and validate what they are experiencing without necessarily agreeing with everything the children feel, but rather showing empathy and understanding.
Manipulating their guilt
Wanjiro says guilt can be a powerful motivator. However, she explains, that when parents use it to influence their children’s behaviour, it can be damaging. “Statements like, ‘After everything I have done for you, this is how you repay me?” can make children feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, leading to guilt and shame.
She says children who are frequently guilt-tripped by their parents may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms and a distorted sense of responsibility for others’ emotions.
“Instead, tell them openly about your feelings and encourage them to express theirs, creating a healthy emotional exchange,” she says.
Loving them with conditions
According to Mutiga, children need to feel loved unconditionally, because when love is perceived as conditional, only given when the children make some achievements, or behave a certain way, it can cause deep feelings of shame and insecurity. “Children who feel they must earn their parents’ love are more likely to develop anxiety and perfectionistic tendencies, always striving to meet expectations to feel worthy of love,” he says.
He advises parents to show their children unconditional love, regardless of their successes or failures. This reassurance, he concludes, helps the children build a secure emotional foundation.