I am 25 and have been married for four years. We have two children. My husband is 28 and says he cannot go a day without sex. He wants sex every day and when I complain or tell him I don’t feel like it, he starts acting up and quarreling me. For him, it does not matter what time of the month it is or how tired I am. Yes, he forces me into it even when I am on my days. I don’t like sex as much as he does and this has become a problem in our relationship. I am not sure if I want to stay married to him as I just cannot cope with this no matter how hard I try. Please advise me.
{Monicah }
What the readers say:
A quick look at your problem puts it at a sex addict against a sex phobic. However, come to think of these. First, you have been married for four years and you even have two children. Secondly, the problem is not the ‘of late’ type meaning you have sustained this demand for four years, albeit obediently. Thirdly, you have no problem with quality, it is a case of supply being higher than demand; a supply which you have put up with for long. Your problem is more psychological than physical. You have convinced yourself that your husband is bullying you and you get into bed with that in mind. It is possible you fail to satisfy each other in bed therefore the frequency has to be high to bridge the gap. In this your husband will imagine you get sex from outside, the reason you don’t seem to bother with his. You equally see your husband bullying you with his demands; the problem thus begins. Therefore set yourself free for a real experience and let your husband leave the bed satisfied and it will be sparse but quality. The sooner you did this the better since should he ‘discover’ new horizons then you can be sure your goose is cooked.
{Tasma Saka }
Boke says:
Dear Monicah,
This is a case of addiction. Sex addiction just like any other form of addiction is never about the substance or activity that one is hooked on to. There is always a force behind the action. What I am trying to say is that the taste of a substance is not sweeter to an addict more than it is to other users. Same to the activities be it gabbling, shopping or sex, addicts do not derive more pleasure than others. Addiction is rather a display of other internal conflicts and issues.
First let’s understand that addiction begins with a strong desire for something (substance or activity). So strong is the desire that it leads to the loss of power of control over the same, this eventually ends up in an uncontrolled use or engagement despite the negative effects.
An addict goes through a stubborn cyclic process that begins from negative feelings such as worthlessness and sadness that results in an intense desire for the substance or activity. In your husband’s case it is sex. He gets preoccupied with desire which once met gives him a great relief but just temporarily. This temporal fulfilment creates the urge once again. And the cycle repeats itself.
Trauma, childhood environment and experiences, genetics and a person’s mental health can dispose one to addiction. Something in his past could have triggered this. It is not too late to get this corrected, I encourage you to convince him to see a professional counsellor to walk with you through this. Otherwise the feeling of being devalued will soon overwhelm you and wreck your marriage.
I suggest that both of you be part of the process because you too need therapy and also as a support to your spouse. The recovery and eventual change of behaviour may not be immediate but with determination you can pull through and turn a new leaf in your marriage.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology