I met and fell in love with a woman seven years ago. She then gave birth to a baby girl who was fathered by another man. While we both knew she child wasn’t my biological daughter, I accepted to take care of her as my own since the father is also not aware of her existence.
We recently broke up and she left my house leaving the girl with me. The problem is that everyone thinks the girl is my biological daughter and now I don’t know what to do about this. I am now stuck with the girl and I don’t know how to take care of her now that her mother has since left.
Please advise me.
{Mwacharo}
What the readers say:
Mwamba, that little girl is innocent and does not know who brought her to the world or even why. The best thing you can do for her is to bring her up in the best way you can. Take good care of her and her mother will come back looking for her.
{Aseri Dick}
I may only advise you on three options; one, is that you start the process of adopting the child; two, take the child to the parents of your former wife and ask them to take care of the girl for a while until you figure things out and three, look for the child’s mother through the children’s office and give your story. Tell them you are not the biological father and your former wife should take responsibility of the child. Whatever option you choose, make sure the girl is protected from any form of harm.
{Onyango Outha}
You shouldn’t regret having that young girl around despite the fact that you are not her biological father. Do not let differences between the two of you set you back and take away the love you have for her. No woman can leave her child to an irresponsible man. She will come back begging for you to take her back so just continue doing what you are doing.
{Fred Jausenge}
That girl is innocent, take care of her and do your best in raising her. The longer her mother stays away from you, the harsher she will be judged. Your blessings await you and only God can reward you for what you are doing.
{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}
Take care of that angel, she has no mistake. Don’t betray the slightest sense that the child isn’t yours biologically. For you, the advantage is that you were aware and accepted the woman as she was. Many of us leave with and take care of children born of other men. Get a good woman who will accept the child and let your life go on.
{Tasma Saka}
Simon says:
Mwamba, you are a mature, humble and loving man. There are not so many of your kind out there and this little girl is lucky to have you around. Despite what is going on between you and her mother, I urge you to continue taking care of and protecting that little girl. By all intents and purposes, she is your daughter and may God bless you for what you are doing for her.
Moving on to the situation you are in, I don’t know the reasons that led to the two of you breaking up to the point of her moving out of your house. I find it rather peculiar that a woman would move out of her home leaving her child behind after a disagreement. This raises critical questions, some of which include; where is she staying since she left? How does she expect you to manage alone with a small girl in the house?
I am inclined to believe that your fiancée is not far away from you. I am sure she is carefully watching you and her daughter even as she pretends not to care. However, in as much as this may be the case, it does not justify her leaving you to take care of the girl alone. I encourage you to also do something drastic to elicit her reaction. Take the child to her grandmother and, without explaining much, tell them that she left and you don’t know her whereabouts. Request them to take care of the girl until you find a solution to the existing problem. Remember that if they are not aware of the paternal arrangement, it is not necessary for them to know. This may elicit two kinds of reactions; one, her parents will call upon her to settle the issues that the two of you are having and two, she will reveal her whereabouts in an effort to get back her daughter.
You may think that she does not care about you and the girl but she does. The only reason she is staying away comfortably is because she knows that her little girl is safe with you. Alternatively, you may get a beautiful cousin or niece to come stay with you for a few days and help take care of the girl. The mechanisms she has put in place to monitor you will quickly alert her of a “new lady” in the house and your guess is as good as mine about her possible reactions.
Simon is a relationships counsellor
Boke says:
What worries you most now? Restoring your relationship? Or taking care of ‘your’ daughter? There are more questions concerning the nature of your relationship. Has your girlfriend just taken a ‘breather’ or she has called it quits?
If she has just taken a break to think things over then there will be no need of any drastic action. All you need to do is exercise some patience and wait for her come-back or initiate a reconciliation and at the same time address conclusively the matter behind her leaving. Both of you also need to agree on how to resolve conflicts, because such departures are counterproductive.
The fact that she left the daughter behind could mean that she has not shut that door entirely and that the daughter is in a more stable environment with you than anywhere else. This makes anyone wonder why you have not taken this relationship to the next level all these seven years.
Although you want us to believe that you are OK with the knowledge that the girl is not your biological daughter, you are not. You actually feel imprisoned by this secret and your violent plea for freedom is so loud. Otherwise, no parent wonders what to do with their child.
Let’s take the scenario that she is completely out of this relationship. For you, taking parental responsibility for his child will purely depend on your kindness and not an obligation bearing in mind that there is nothing formal about your relationship with the mother. If you were in a marriage and you had agreed to adopt the girl as your own, then you need to gladly take up the responsibility. We may not have kind words for the mum but that is beside the point for now.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology