Wife has been shopping for her supposed three-week holiday at the Coast. You can argue she deserves it after what has been a dramatic but fulfilling year. She has bought beach and swimming gear and she is so pumped up about it.
It is a pity, because after due consideration, you have made up your mind: She will not be going to the Coast. On Monday, they will leave for the countryside. When you become too kind to women, too understanding, they mistake your kindness for weakness and can run over you. So, you must assert your authority as a man from time to time.
Carol has had her way the whole year, after she took you for counseling and you decided to slow things down. Now she thinks she runs the marriage, but she doesn’t. You have to show her who is in charge.
So, yesterday, when she came back from shopping, you engaged her politely about your decent and more noble plans.
“I don’t think you will be going to the Coast. We will go to the countryside,” you tell her in the calmest voice you can muster.
“No, I will join you briefly for Christmas, or New Year. All plans are set for Coast, we going as friends and with our families. It’s only you who is not coming along, but Harriet and John, Beatrice and...,” she starts to tell you rather dismissively.
“In this house, I am the head, and I will appreciate if you don’t argue with this…,” you tell her with such a raw nerve, she is startled. “On Monday we will travel home and spend three weeks there. It is time you knew all my folks, little Farah knew her family. Everyone will be home, it will be embarrassing if you are the only wife in the family on holiday in Mombasa… All my brothers and wives will be home.”
She started to cry. There were days when female tears could move you, but you are now older and you can’t be bought by tears.
“Yaani, you have seen me do all the shopping, and then stop me now…”
“Come on, I thought we talked about this two weeks ago. I thought you would be mature and sensible about it. Part of being an adult is to know what is more important in life, a holiday or meeting your folks. Those guys at home are old and will not be here with us much longer, so any moment we spend with them counts…”
After that Socratic pitch, she has no words but resign to fate. She hates you, but she knows you mean this and you will take serious offence if she dares argue.
“You don’t get everything you want in life, you tell her,” and she demonstrated her love by banging the door, and disappeared into the room and broke down completely, crying uncontrollably.
You pause to think what it is in the village that she hate this much. She demonstrates some enthusiasm when going to her maternal home. You know how traumatising last year’s experience was on her. Especially, your nosy unhygienic uncle who really got on her nerves.
But part of being an adult is to know how to handle people who are messy - at work, at home and any other relatives. Carol lived in a bubble for so long, it is time she unlearnt everything she knows and she learnt to live as an adult.
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What is on your Christmas wishlist this year?