You haven't seen it all if you do not have someone in your circle of friends who thinks they were created on a sunny Sunday morning next to the beach and you were created during the ungodly hours of Friday the 13th. They are the same people who live plastic lives in fantasy worlds.
For instance, why would an African born and bred in the village like me pay me a visit in my humble room in Komayole and start throwing orders around like she is an Igwe and her life is a Nollywood movie? Just the other day, someone I grew up with in the western part of Kenya drinking from the same water point in a swamp had the audacity to question why I do not buy mineral water for home consumption instead of boiling tap water. She had made a stopover at my place while on transit to Mombasa from Busia. She asked for a glass of water and the African in me brought my boiled bottled water to the table together with a glass only to be stopped from serving it as she questioned what brand the water was. I laughed her question off thinking she was just being naughty but she firmly held my hand and made it clear that she only drunk a certain expensive brand of water and if I could not serve her that, she would rather leave my house thirsty. According to her explanation, her body reacts with any other brand! My friend, continue drinking water, people are consuming brands out here. I was left with no option but to carry my small behind back to the kitchen with my water.
I thought I had seen it all for the day when she suddenly started shouting out my name from the washroom the moment she went to answer a call of nature. You should have seen me running towards the washroom with a pail of water thinking the flush handle had malfunctioned and had embarrassed me only to find her standing at the entrance holding the toilet paper and inquiring what brand it was. She claimed that other brands were too rough for her behind making her skin react and she only used one brand. Just when I thought 'Vindu vichenjanga' was a political term, I realized 'vindu vireactanga'. Was she trying to say some of our behinds are as rough as crocodile skin now that we do not react to any paper, leave alone toilet paper? From not drinking my boiled water to not using my nameless toilet paper. She almost made me feel like a failure in life. Here I am in my thirties, never reacted with anything, not even the mild sun people claim gives them sunburns, while people out here are reacting even with toilet paper! I mean, can a toilet paper be too rough to use? Or do we have some brands that have spikes?
Anyway, that said and done, I am currently too afraid to host anyone I shared my childhood with. I am beginning to think everyone else is evolving and I am stuck at the same spot I was more than a decade ago. I am actually on a mission to figure out anything that will make my skin, duodenum or ankle react. Meanwhile, I have just received two packets of the maize flour from Mexico from a neighbour who swears on Nebuchadnezzar's grave that the stuff tastes and smells like an anthill. For Pete's sake, how does an anthill smell and have you ever tasted one? Do people eat anthills where you live? Probably that's why they keep reacting with the 'unreactables'. If someone can feed on an anthill, I can guarantee you that they can feast on the maize flour from Mexico. So I will just sit here and wait for you to give me the recipe for deep fried anthills served with roast potatoes.