I am very confused. All my life I have struggled to be a good girl since my mother always told me that bad girls do not find husbands. Last week, my boyfriend dumped me for a very naughty, stupid, player girl, who is usually just after people’s money. She is a bitch, everyone hates her and I don’t understand why he left me for such a low catch. I give him everything he wants. I know he will soon be dumped and he will try and come back to me. Should I take him back if he comes? Is it true that men detest bad girls in public but date them secretly? Sometimes, I think it is the nasty women that get the good guys not the other way round. Please tell me what to do.

Jane

Your take:

Jane you have done your part by doing everything to keep him, but he has gone ahead to display his wooing prowess to you. I think he does not deserve you anymore after all he has done to you. Besides, he poses a risk of infecting you with HIV. Do not be a slave of love, take a deep breath and forget about him. He is not the only one on this planet who can show love. Be patient and you will find the love of your life.

Bernard

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Be yourself and stop behaving like you are so desperate that you give in easily when he comes back. You still have time to find a more loving and caring man, even beyond your wildest expectations. Giving in to all his wishes makes you look cheap, so be careful.

And about men and bad girls, it is true that few men will want to be seen in public with bad girls, hence they meet them in secret.

Take your time, the right man is on the way, and remember, ‘a rolling stone gathers no moss’.

Danson

You have not said how young or old you are. It is heart-breaking to be rejected by someone you hold dear. You are a good girl, why hang around with a heartless fellow? The first thing boyfriends ask is sex. You say you gave him everything he wanted. Did this include going to bed with him? If yes, then you made yourself too cheap before him. Your boyfriend has probably gotten everything he needed from you and that is why he directed his escapades elsewhere. He has shown that he does not care about or value you. He was out to use you and he succeeded. It is also highly likely that you and the other girl are not the only ones in his life. If he dumps the other girl and returns shedding crocodile tears, would you still trust and welcome him back?

You have portrayed him as a good guy. However, is what he has done to you characteristic of a good guy? Next time look at the heart, not outward appearance, it can be deceiving. I suggest you try and move on with your life and take heart that he ditched you early before you totally committed your life to him. Good luck.

James O Kihali

My take:

I do not know how young you are and all the people reading this, but by now I hope most of us have realised that that stuff they taught us in primary school does not always work. So true is this that the really nasty girl gets all promotions, the wealthiest and most reliable–meaning trustworthy men and all the good things of life. Likewise, the macho, player, con-artist and sly guy gets all the good girls while the cool, straight and understanding bloke languishes in great misery. Being a man, I can only talk highly of why the boys like the bitchy girls. So I am going to break it down for you – work with me ladies!

Neediness

This does not refer to financial or "technical support" for example changing a flat tire. It refers to certain things girls do to expose their lack of self-esteem, basic intelligence and insecurity. When you want to spend ALL your time with me, expect a call EVERY six minutes, can NEVER do anything for yourself and want a comprehensive log of my minute by minute whereabouts –you are getting too needy! Bitchy girls do not cling onto a brother like a parking boy; and FYI, the only three things a boy wants clinging to him are car keys, condoms and his wallet; once you interfere with these –it becomes personal… which connects to point two below.

Determined destiny

See, good girls establish their destiny once a brother shows the slightest sign of commitment. He becomes their destiny thus Cindy (the good girl) will take any crap from him, live practically on his plans and become a "yes" kitty. My fiancÈ puts me where I belong; wittily reminding me that if I don’t like things as they are I might as well leave! A girl has to have her own plans; nights out with the girls, shopping among other things. To Cindy, every gesture is reflected on the future. For example if you bought flowers, she asks if you will continue buying them once you are married; a trip to Lamu will lead to a discussion on the honeymoon destination of choice… literally her destiny is set ON YOU! Hard nut girls live and enjoy the moments for what they are and know that jokes about marriage are not exactly welcome.

Unmatched contest

If a brother is busted, how do you think hard-nut and Cindy would react? Cindy will be hurt, and then understanding, hence would listen and believe all the funny explanations I give to her. With a few tears on my cheek she would be very forgiving and more than willing to work things out. Hard-nut, would be hurt, would listen to the funny explanations then laugh that I expected her to buy into those stories. She would throw my fake tear-ridden body out and demand that I work a bit harder to convince her, which would put me into check when I find someone who is more brilliant than me. Good girls hide their brilliance from their lessons that men fear intelligent women while bitchy girls know that that fear is fear mixed with respect, which becomes awe so they expose their brilliance at any opportunity. As a matter of fact, when a girl starts agreeing to everything a man thinks, that is the moment he starts getting bored with her. Bitchy girls challenge and sharpen one’s thinking by giving different views and opinions thus men find them more useful as partners. This does not mean always have a different opinion. Due to the limitation of space, we shall take this up some other time but to answer your question. Yes, men many times prefer intelligent and bitchy ladies because they are challenging and are not too dependent.

What should you do?

The last thing you want is to appear needy. If you give him forgiveness on a silver platter, what will stop him from doing it again and again? Make him earn it and discuss carefully how this situation will impact on your marriage and how he plans to handle this. It is a sensitive issue when a married man has children out there, so seek guidance from mature couples — maybe your best couple or god parents. Take your time and don’t rush into things.

Taurus