I know the right thing to do is to walk away from him for good, but it just hurts so badly right now
Dear Coleen
I’ve been in an on/off relationship with someone for about five years.
He’s 37, admits he drinks way too much, and is at times verbally abusive to me.
My main problem is, he’s been in contact with his 25-year-old ex behind my back after I made it clear to him he should stay away from her.
She doesn’t have a conscience and wouldn’t care if she was his “other woman”.
I gave him ultimatums, broke it off a few times and suggested we got relationship counselling, but he doesn’t want to do any of these things.
In fact, he just gets mad when I confront him and says I’m a jealous woman. I’m not.
I just feel if he respected me he wouldn’t be exchanging texts with his ex, and she wouldn’t be visiting him without me knowing.
I know the right thing to do is to walk away from him for good, but it just hurts so badly right now. Please help.
Coleen says
I think you’ve answered your own question. You know exactly what to do, which is dump him for good and start to make yourself a better life.
I understand it hurts, but not as much as it will to stay with him and be treated like this – how could you hurt any more by leaving?
It’s not like you’re walking away from a really happy situation. Obviously, he’s never going to change – he hasn’t been able to in five years.
Even if he thinks of this girl as just a mate – and maybe that is the case – he should take into account the way you’re feeling if he wants to be with you. You’re right, he has no respect for you.
I think some relationships feed on drama – that’s what keeps it together and it’s part of the excitement. You break up and then you make up. And it’s a toxic cycle that you need to break.
In my first marriage I stayed two years longer than I should have and they were not happy years – I was hanging on to something that was never going to work out. Yes, it kills when you leave, but then you can start to heal.
I believe you deserve better – you need to start believing that too.