His wife left him, now he wants to marry me
This week’s topic
I am a 21 working as a teacher around my home area. While working I met a 35-year old gentleman and we fell in love. He later told me that his wife left him because she was earning more money than him and that they have an 8-year-old daughter. What often disturbs me is that some of my uncles know his background very well and I think this will be problematic if we decided to start a family. I really love this man but many times he pushes me away because he does not communicate frequently and openly. I am not sure what plans he has for me and how his wife and family will react to him marrying me. Please advise me.
Your take:
If he loves you as much as you do and they don’t have anything going on besides the child and he tells you frankly why they separated, then there is no problem being in a relationship with him. Any mistake is forgivable and I know he has changed since then. Most men don’t repeat the mistakes that cost them their families in the past.
{Jeremiah Nyagah}
Do you really know why he broke up with the first wife? Be careful not to fall in the same problem. Remember when you marry a man, you marry the character as well not only the man. I doubt that it was all because of the money, there could be something else he is not saying.
{Nthambisieng Hlaoli}
Love is complicated Agnes. His reactions should give you an indication of the kind of person he is then you can make your decision. Try calling him at odd hours, mostly in the middle of the night and see how he reacts to this.
{Vestermaryille}
You are still young and fresh in mind. Don’t go for an opportunistic husband who is taking you as a second wife. Look for your own love and be the only lady in his life. You are still young and can find love.
{Loise Kemush}
Run as fast as you can girl, this man is only out to take advantage of you then leave you either pregnant or with a child. This will ruin your chances of finding a man in future while he will move on to the next available girl.
{Esther Maina}
Has he introduced you to his parents? If not, do not even dare to tell your relatives about him and his plans because he may be just playing you. Men are always happy to take advantage of young and innocent girls so be careful with him.
{Magdalene Bahati}
Counsellor’s take:
Agnes, it is important for you to fully understand what kind of a marriage he had with his former wife and why they are not together at present. This is important because if they were formally married i.e. church/civil wedding this will have to be fully resolved before he can make any concrete plans with you. Again, you mentioned that your uncles know his background and that this may be problematic. Why would his background be problematic? Does he have a bad reputation? If he is a person of questionable character, then I would ask why you are wasting your time with him.
Do bear in mind that whenever people talk about why their past relationships, marriages etc. did not work out, they usually give only their version or rather, the version that suits them. There may have been more going on than he is telling you. Further, his behavior towards you is also worrying being that he does not communicate effectively and is not open to you. These are the signs of a man who has dark skeletons in his closet.
There is one other question I would ask with a lot of interest; has he actually proposed to marry you. As a matter of fact, you may be worrying about what your uncles will think about you getting married to him while the issue of marriage features nowhere in his thoughts. I am quite convinced that this is the situation you have in your hands.
Lastly, I take issue with your age with regard to three issues; one, why are you dating a married man at 21; two, have you thought about the age difference between the two of you and three, why the hurry to get married? You are quite young Agnes and life has a lot in store for you. At 21, you barely know what life is about and marriage is really not your thing for now. Take your time and live the life of your age. At 21, you ought to be meeting people, getting to learn and understand yourself better as well as doing all the things girls your age do. If you skip this critical stage in your life, you may find yourself doing funny things later in your life. He may be manipulating you effectively due to your lack of exposure on life's issues thus I strongly urge you to stay away from him and get a man who is closer within your age bracket.
{Taurus}