Dear Coleen
I was molested as a child by my sister’s boyfriend.
I’m an adult now and have issues about having sex with my boyfriend – it’s almost as if my body just won’t accept him. To be honest, I’m never in the mood to make love.
I have never told my mum or sister what happened to me but I suspect my sister might know what her boyfriend was doing.
I would love your opinion about this.
Coleen says:
I think the first problem is that you’ve never dealt with your feelings over what happened. You need to do that – it doesn’t have to be your mum or your sister at this point who you tell but perhaps a counsellor or a trusted friend.
It’s a lot to keep bottled up inside and I think that unless you confront what happened at some point all those emotions that you’ve been suppressing will explode.
And it will also continue to have an impact on your relationships now and in the future.
I hope you know that what happened was in no way your fault – it was his fault. It’s terrible that it happened to you but you can find strength in being a survivor rather than thinking of yourself as a victim.
And I think counselling would help you with that.
Confronting your sister (you certainly shouldn’t feel you need to protect her) or going to the police has to be your decision.
But I’d suggest getting in touch with Rape Crisis which has phone counsellors who can provide emotional support and practical advice. It doesn’t matter how long ago the abuse happened.
You don’t say if you’ve confided in your boyfriend but, if you love him and see a future with him, then you need to be brave and tell him.
The pressure of keeping it secret will be a barrier between you both inside and outside the bedroom.