Confessions: I cheated on my husband, should I come clean?

I cheated on my husband a year ago with a colleague. My husband is a good man. And it is tearing me up inside. How do I forgive myself? Or should I own up to him and hope he forgives me?

What the readers say:

If you own up, at this point, you will be creating more problems for yourself and the family. Your husband may want to imagine it could not just be that. Should he come to discover and ask about it, then that would be the opportunity to clear your conscience by being honest. For now, and especially that you will not repeat it, treat it as an unfortunate incident and let it go; you must learn to let go what you cannot change; it is water under the bridge, why should it kill you? 

Tasma Saka? 

The choices we make today affect our tomorrow. We are supposed to be sober when we are making decisions; if we don’t act thoughtfully then the consequences of our choices will haunt us -- exactly what you are going through. What really compelled you to cheat if I may ask? I also want to believe that you are being eaten inside because you are still at the same workstation with your clandestine love but no longer together in terms of love. You need to open up and face the consequences or remain quiet and suffer inside. If I were your man I would suspend you indefinitely to fix some sense in you so that next time you think of the same, you think of the consequences before committing a  similar offense. There are two things involved here, say it or remain quiet, but remember either of them have consequences.

Ouma Ragumo-Sifuyo

Imagine if your husband did what you did? Did you do a HIV test before engaging with your lover? After the incident, have you done a test with your husband? Even if you had protected sex anything from careless handling of a condom, oral sex or even sharing wiping clothes after the act can expose you to sexually transmitted infections. I would advise you to find out your status first and, from there, you will know the next step in your life. But do to others what you expect others to do to you.

Onyango Outha

If you are no longer cheating nor plan to ever cheat again and your mate is highly unlikely to ever find out, then take this secret to your grave! Make amends going forward by being the absolute best mate or spouse you possibly can be. 

Fred Jausenge

Boke says:

There are varied views on this subject that stem from one’s religious background, personal philosophy and convictions among others.

First I must commend you for reckoning that you were wrong and quickly changing your ways. I find that more important, that although what you did is a secret, you are able to recognise that it was wrong and went ahead to stop without being threatened or being reprimanded. Infidelity thrives in secrecy. So if you were able to overcome that then you are at a good place.  

However, when you look at how important trust is to any relationship, particularly marriage, then you realise that you need to do more than just changing. It is difficult to act as if all is well while you know that you have a secret that is potentially destructive.

But how to disclose and how your husband will handle it is something else. Women handle information on infidelity better compared to men. Being truthful will clear your conscience and take away the feeling of guilt, which is what you want.  

On the other hand, this could mess up your family or you could lose it altogether. It is easy to tell you to open up but I would rather you weigh the situation yourself.  What is it that both of you can handle? At the end of the day, it should not just be about you but the well-being of your marriage and family.  

It is wonderful to be forgiven and marriages can survive an affair but it is a tough road to walk. Get a marriage therapist to walk with you in whichever route you take. 

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology 

Simon says:

So what happened, happened and only you know best what led you to getting involved with that other man. You appreciate that your husband is a good man who loves you and of course, just like every other man, he does not expect you to be getting down with other men. You have had time to reflect on this and it is tearing you apart primarily because you know you did wrong and you don’t know what to do now.

To tell or not to tell? This is a dilemma most people who have gone down what road are usually faced with and more often than not the answer to this is primarily dependent on many things.

First, there is a crucial fact in this situation and this is that you did not get caught. The fact that this is eating you inside means that you are sorry and that probably you will not do it again. If you can promise yourself not to cheat on him again and commit yourself to this, then there is really no need to start unnecessary fires.

There is no telling how a spouse would react to knowing about their partner’s unfaithfulness and you know that African men rarely forgive their cheating wives. Keep it to yourself and commit to remain faithful to him through your life.

This does not mean that you will not get tempted to cheat again and more so because women cheat for a reason. You will need to address the primary reason that led you to cheating on him and sort that out.

If it has to do with him (it mostly does) then get a way of talking to him about it and how he can fix the situation to avoid leaving empty gaps inside that make you feel weak and vulnerable. Having a candid discussion about this will help you resolve the underlying issues and reduce your exposure to the affection of other men. 

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor