Smitta Smitten: Smitta's KCSE for falas

I ran into the CS for Sports, Culture and the Arts, Dr. Hassan Wario, this week at the magnificent Kenya National Library in Buruburu, (with the KNLS CEO the cool Richie Atuti), pulling the full ‘magufuli’, which is management by walking around, being hands-on n finding out for himself how useful the laibu actually is to the community. Not like some wazee when they were culture waziris, ata kusimama ilikuwa shida and we’d only kuta them kamataing at wakina Rat-n-burger n such-like ambasadas.

Remember Wario was the one who bembelezad our warriors like Wanyama to fly to Verde Cape, even after Nyamweya (I is happy he gone) had kulad flight n accomo cheddar?

So at the Buru laibu we had pre-KCSE kiddos readin,’ n there are also great novels on third floor if yur into lit like me; but also all sortsa vitabus for weirdoes - - from injection moulding to vermin-composting yur ‘shape-up’ sh*t shamba using wormskis to how to make Chinku sosez using pig fat n the corpses of mouses (thaz why Kenyans lookin’ for mtumbas n cheapo electronics in places like Pingdingshan and Xianfang shud watch watt they push into their mouthses in those Chinese restaurants up theya).

Anyway, here is some KCSE queshons n discussions for today.

One – That ‘I have POWERSSSS’ cop who was captured on camera, kweli was he ‘captured on camera’ or he is really a ‘genie in a bottle’? Dat traffo cop was so gobsmack plug-uglie I started believing in ogres, again. Yuv heard of dads who abandon their tois? Mtu ka ‘Powersss’ the masa sees him in maternity, eating the pram, she not only flees the ward n hosi, but applies for refugee status in Alaska.

Two – last week we wrote here how ‘rachet’ #Nai-Diaries is, n this week, Vera Sidika has quit.

Did the Smitta show Sidika the light (oh, she alreadee discovered that one, n it’s called ‘Jik ya Ngozi’) or did Pendo threaten to give her yet anutha thorough thumping?

Three – DNG not only got played by the ‘yellow yeller’ he okotad n married whilst on a holiday fling in dubious Doobai, but our buddy’s ‘over hyping’ on Zuku Sports, which works fine on stage but not on tee-wee, coupled with dry jokes n a tall hostess, ain’t just working (discuss, diss ... or just cuss).

Four – That dirty (as in ‘sija shapa shower’ dirry) boy called Blackie or Blankie or warrever waz recently freed from remand. Is it just me or dyu also suspect he was given HARD labour there also known as ‘service ya kuosha bunduki’ aka ‘piga hio mkuki mswaki’? Heh heh.

Five – After watching that Amerucan street boy Morris Mwenda on TV (thank you, Clifford Oluoch, marvellous job yur doing on the streets, and in Oshwal), and maybe yuv got money n took yur toi to an academy n they still scored ‘D’ jana in KCSE, si yu feel ‘heri ungesomesha chokosh na hio dough’ insteada wasting it on yur home-grown dunce/idiot/?

Six – Sasa huyo Miss Kisii Cindy Kemunto, if she waz on Oscar red carpet n waz asked about her outfit n all by fashionistas like Crystal Okusa, or our Esther Mushene, si Kemunto would have to say: -

Hair by ‘Dead Cat Weaves’; Blue Dress by Diego Costa left over from a three am bar brawl in a Spanish slum; shoes ‘nilichitengenesea mimi mwenyewe hapo Keroka’ and makeup by Mortuary Cosmetics.

Enyewe hapo Cindy ulika ka model wa Montezuma’s, aki na gaki ;-( epic fail).

Lastly, sasa ku-MCheza SportsPesa yu Bet-In like seven straight games with their EXACT scores to win thirty metre? N why on earth did I register for the full ten kms in the First Lady’s Marathon this weekend instead of a manageable two?? Tis for a good cause, anyway, so most tois may live past five, n on to do KCSE.