Guide to loving a man who was sexually defiled

 

Brothers who are carrying this heavy cross on their weary shoulders Rape not only leaves a pungent smell in one’s aura, but it can make you question your sexuality and manhood. Many of us find it hard to open up because of conflicting and emotional turmoil

We are many. A (literally) silent majority. I am talking about brothers who were sexually defiled. Brothers who are carrying this heavy cross on their weary shoulders, and wondering when they will ever be free. 

Well, I am one of them. I’ve been there. Sorry, I am there. Because? Once this trauma happens, it becomes part of your – not only your history – but also your present and future.

For sisters who are in a relationship with a brother who was sexually defiled, here are some dos and don’ts …

Don’t question his manhood

Rape not only leaves a pungent smell in one’s aura, but it can make you question your sexuality and manhood.

A couple of years ago, I heard a male journalist snidely commenting on national TV: “How can a man be raped?” The remark implied, among others, that if a man is raped their virility is in question.   

The fact that a man was raped does not mean that he is wonky or weak. So girl, let your baby know that he is man enough, and nothing less. 

Let it rain

There will be dark nights when he will be overwhelmed by pain, and he will open the waterworks. When this happens, let it rain. Do not shush him and tell him to man the heck up because men do not cry.

Crying is cathartic. He is not being a sissy. He is keeping it real. If he can be this vulnerable with you – which he may never be with his family or boys - then he loves you to death and trusts you with his soul and secrets. 

Don’t be afraid to ask

There is a place of silence. But there is also a place for talking about the elephant in the room.  

Do not sweep this serious issue under the carpet. Most probably, it will form a part of the canvas on which y’all will paint your relationship. Asking and talking about it – with gentle brushstrokes - means that you deeply care about this priceless masterpiece that you are painting. 

Believe him

Many of us find it hard to open up because of conflicting and emotional turmoil. Besides, we are not sure if we will be believed. And being doubted is like being defiled all over again.

Girl, just believe him. Tell him as much. Hold him real tight and assure him that you know he is telling the whole truth and nothing but. So help you God.

Judge not

Mostly, it is women who go through this drama when, for instance, they are slandered and told that they were asking for “it” because of, say, their dress code.  

Girl, do not judge your man. Most probably, he has already done that to himself tons of times. He has inwardly blamed himself.

So? Cut him some slack. No buts.

Don’t pity him

Just love him. Love heals. And laugh with him, because laughter is also a balm. 

Here’s what’s up, sisters: brothers who were sexually defiled do not want to be pitied. We are not victims. When you pity us, you make us feel pathetic.

Don’t sweat the “quiet storms”

There will be times when a brother who was sexually defiled may press the mute button. Please understand. This is a default setting. 

Clamming up does not mean he has anything against you. Do not be overly worked about it. Just know that this quiet storm too shall pass.

If you know your man enough, you will know what got him in this mood. And if you know him well enough, you will know how to get him through this quiet storm.