Tying the money knot: The philosophy of Kenyan gold diggers explained

By Tony Masikonde | 6yrs ago | 3 min read

There is a popular African proverb that holds: “A happy man marries the girl he loves, but a happier man loves the girl he marries.”

African wise men were not called wise for nothing. They knew that very few of the men would find themselves in the second category of happiness after a couple of years in marriages.

But that was the big problem then. But today, we, men, are faced with deeper and graver situations in matters of love. There are women who get into marriage and after a few years they want a divorce and a 50 per cent share of the man’s wealth. As if the marriage was a blue chip company, listed in the Nairobi Securities Exchange. My friend, these are the ultimate gold diggers.

But they have temporarily been halted by a sagacious ruling at the High Court. This, however, is not the time to celebrate but to strategize. Can we knock the illusive gold digger? Not really. You have to give them credit.

They are able to convince presumably intelligent, high-powered men into a marriage that is probably completely devoid of any sort of passion or affection.

Let’s get it right. A gold digger is only a gold digger if she strictly married a man for money. She’s not a gold digger if she simply married a man with money. That’s the difference.

Marrying with the aim of being a dirty blood sucking parasite off your spouse means that love never crossed your mind.

Sure, she may have sex with this man. She may even get children with this man. But at the end of the day, she strictly took a vow because; while he had symbols o hearts in his eyes, she had dollar signs in hers! Is that ridiculously awesome, or ludicrously tragic? I’m not really sure.

How do you spot a gold digger before she forces you into a loveless marriage and takes you for all your worth?

If the woman you are involved with does any of the following, there’s a good chance she’s only in this thing for the money and money only. Let’s just start with something really obvious.

Are you exceedingly wealthy, unattractive, and people often don’t like you because you have annoying personality? Don’t mention any presidents please. If the answer is yes, you can take it to the local bank you have a gold digger by your side sniffing for any and every nickel. Why else would she be dating you and keeping up with that nonsense?

More often than not it looks like this: You buy her a bouquet of flowers (for no specific reason– because you are a good and refined gentleman) and she smiles and thanks you. You buy her a Louis Vuitton purse and she jumps up with sheer ecstasy, posts it to Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook and possibly sleeps with you later that night.

Now of course, a purse is better than flowers. Any girl would react similarly. However here’s where the gold digger differs. The gold digger has definitely Googled exactly how much that bag costs.

In fact, she most likely already knew just by looking at it–which is why she was so thrilled. Gold diggers have a database of designer items just floating around in their heads. If “overpriced leather stuff” was a category in a competition, they would nail it every time.

She may also be likely to make a snide comment if it isn’t the most expensive bag Louis Vuitton has to offer. Something passive like, “This is a beautiful bag, but maybe you can get me the bigger one for Christmas.”

As far as the flowers are concerned, she’s already forgotten about them. She didn’t appreciate them nearly as much as she should have because they were just a mixed bouquet and will be dry by tomorrow. So is her ‘love’.

@tonymasikonde