The rich one: 10 types of ghetto girls

 The rich ghetto girl is not katiwad by any Tom, Dick and Harry. Makangas don’t meet her high standards.

There are girls, and then there are ghetto girls. They are very different from girls from some shags in Igamba Ng’ombe. Or Kanyam-kago.  You will easily spot them, one, by language use: Heavy sheng, mtu wangu. Their dressing too could comprise a Marvin skullcap, dungarees and knee high ‘kavunja’ boots preferably not polished.

There is also a way they walk that speaks volumes about readiness for violence, compounded by their hard-core faces devoid of social graces. Here are 10 types of ghetto girls in Kenya…

 1. The rich one

In most cases, she holes up with her single mum, the landlady of the row of mabati houses they call home and rentals. She is always on the tenants’ doors demanding rent or complaining over sanitation.

She is not katiwad by any Tom, Dick and Harry. Makangas don’t meet her high standards.  Her closest male friends are celebs like footballers and the most loaded thug in the hood.

2. The thug

She is feared for her roughness and penchant for fights ambazo haziishi. The missing front teeth and body marks are insignia of being battle hardened either via beatings or bullets.

She frequents miraa joints, wears dreadlocks and sagging jeans. She rarely has female friends. She mostly hangs out with touts, Maina wa Njugu and Peter wa Maji.

 She enjoys group muchene discussing Jack’s new carpet and 32-inch flat screen and how Mwas escaped the jaws of death after a deal gone wrong.

3. The saved one

All her chatter starts with Bible quotes and yet, she is secretly in love with Kinyua Rasta. Sister Mary of ghetto loves issuing ushuhuda but surprises all by catching a miraculous pregnancy from Kinyua Rasta. You will spot her bila make-up and in clothes which her grandmother will say were fashionable in her (grandma’s) time.

4. The bright one

She is full of promise and ever disciplined. Fellow chicks avoid her claiming ana maringo since she joined Pangani Girls which is not far from her hood in Mlango Kubwa on Nairobi’s Juja Road. She is the preferred role model by most parents as she’s ambitious and wants to eradicate poverty. Most dunderheads can hardly date her since she prefers speaking English.

5. The fashionista

With only Sh100, she is sorted and ready to look hot as she knows all the corners in Gikomba market where she can source for G-string for Sh10, crop top for Sh5 and jeans trousers for Sh20.

She is informed on the latest fashion trends and never gets her make-up at the beauty shop. She gets them at ‘mkorogo’ where rejects are sold. In most cases, she is jobless and the painkiller of boda boda and Peter wa Chipo. She likes free services and she doesn’t walk or go hungry.

6. The mjuaji

With her, education is hell but she’s always full of seductive words and can manage three men at a go and none of them will realise they are being played. She loves partying uptown and doesn’t date dudes living 100 metres below the poverty line.

None of her upscale friends know where she lives and mostly prefers being picked and dropped in town. She brags of living in Buruburu Phase 5 but actually lives in Buruburu Phase Zero (Kiambio slums).

7. The dreamer

She is lazy, loves Naija movies but hates poor men and yet she doesn’t even own a panty. She likes money but has no idea how to make real coin. Though she dreams of a better life, she is choosy on jobs and waits for a white-collar job that will be her ticket out the ghetto.

8. The bitter one

She is ever moody, arrogant and prefers working as a house help in posh hoods to struggling with sewage at her door step. She lives in denial and is ever problematic at home where no one likes her as she’s always at loggerheads with her folks.

Whenever she’s questioned, she threatens to commit suicide alongside her baby girl whose father is Mwas wa Miraa. 

9. The drinker

She is either separated or divorced, has three kids and works in a bar. She snatches husbands without remorse.

She is an enemy of married women as most of her visitors are Baba Steve and Ben wa Mbao.  She is so generous when drunk and Ben wa Mbao loves nyorosharing her like a sideboard.  

10.  From grace to grass

These ones are in the ghetto by accident as they lived in Pangani before their property was auctioned and they were forced to move to Mlango Kubwa where she regrets the change in fortunes. You can tell she’s different as she still wears nguo za duka and has refined mannerisms despite haters calling her dame wa kizungu mingi bila dough!