How a simple lip balm denied me a Valentine

 [Photo: Courtesy]

Usually, I would be so reluctant to reveal my HIV status. You cannot meet someone, and on the second date go like, “Hey, I am HIV positive.”

But this particular man got me; he knew all the right words to say and I even tipped him that my favourite meal was matoke or githeri.

Our first meeting was a blind date and we were to plan for Valentine’s Day. I got all dolled up- I think I took about five hours getting ready. When he gave me a call, I was so excited: “Hi Phenny, so I am on my way to town, should be there by noon.”

I immediately responded: “Yeah, sure, I’m equally done, see you soon.”

I took the next matatu, hoping for a traffic-free ride to meet my date. By the way, this was barely six years ago, so the kids had not come.

Praise heavens! We got to town just in time and he was already at our meeting venue.  Well, as I was rushing to this joint, I was giving myself a pep-talk like “Aphee, I sure hope you will focus and the conversation about your status won’t come up!”

I finally get to the joint, spot someone like him at a corner. You know how weird blind dates can get, right? So, I stood there wondering if he was the one. Anyway, when I smiled at him and he smiled back, I knew he was the one.

Anyway, we met, hugged tightly, and I just knew we bonded from the word go. 

I ordered for my favourite food; matoke, which was served with liver and washed it down with water. He preferred soda.

Then there was the awkward silence.  He started asking me how my day and if I was caught up in traffic. I said meeting him for the first time made me nervous, as is typical with blind dates.

Oh well, as we were still conversing, my lips were drying up and I started licking them, which was a bit embarrassing. I had not discovered makeup then and had no lipstick on. 

I applied a simple lip balm and desperately needed more. I reached into my bag and while grabbing the lip balm, somehow my ARVs slipped from my bag hitting the ground noisily. ARVs are generally kept in a bottle, and the noise was embarrassing. I picked up the bottle, put it back and tried to explain what just happened.

“By the way, I am HIV positive, and those are my drugs!”

This man was so surprised; his face turned foul, he looked angry, disappointed and confused.

As I applied my lip balm, he said: “Oh well, excuse me, I need to make a phone call, plus I have an impromptu meeting to attend.”

At this point, he excused himself and shortly after, the food was served.

When my date failed to show up, 30 minutes later, I ate my matoke and liver and ordered some juice. His food was right there; he had ordered ugali and some wet fry. One hour later I was full to the brim and the bill was handed over to me. 

As a staunch believer in girls carrying some money when going on dates, especially to first and blind dates, I paid my bills and carried his food. Yes I know it sounds weird to pack ugali, but there was no way I was paying for his food and leaving it at the hotel as if I was so wealthy, huh.

When I got home, I decided to call this guy and his number was busy for about an hour.

It took me three days to realise that the “number busy signal” meant I had been blocked!

This made me feel so low and desperate as I had hoped for some Valentine’s date. I gave up.

Moving on, it became extremely difficult for me to open up about my HIV status to men interested in me; nevertheless, I still did. Rejection and discrimination became part of me and I realised at this point that stigma against People Living with HIV and Aids, was still real. 

Phenny Awiti is HIV/Aids activist, member National AIDS Control Council

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