10 types of boring Kenyan pastors

 Others speak in a monotone akin to an Old Testament prophet

Some pastors can put the fear of God in you, but in a nice biblical way. Then there are those who foam at the mouth breathing fire and brimstone, but end up looking like clowns in church.

Others speak in a monotone akin to an Old Testament prophet, sending the congregation to slumberland. Most Kenyans are unable to badmouth pastors for fear of going to hell.

But these pastors should know that sometimes they piss us off with some of their unbecoming behaviour. Here are 10 types of pastors that can bore you to death.

1. Endless preaching

There are pastors who have all the time in the world, preaching from 8am to lunchtime. The bulk of the sermon is usually a repetition, especially for those who love preaching in English with another sidekick translating in Kiswahili…to a largely rural congregation!

These pastors don’t notice the faithful yawning, dozing or zoning out in despair. Psychologists inform us on good authority that a normal person’s active concentration lasts for 30 minutes only. 

2. Preaching water, sipping wine

Some pastors act holy, but are later caught chewing kondoo wa Mungu, mostly other people’s wives and choir girls.  They preach water but swill copious amounts of wine, sometimes in the dark corners of bars where nobody knows them.

3. The kujigamba boys

We are not interested in knowing how many times you have visited the USA, South Africa, Nigeria or Serbia. But some pastors love boasting to their congregation about the countries they have visited and how they travelled first class, forgetting that it was your sadaka they used.

Others love showing off their beautiful wives and daughters as signs of how the grace of God is working in their favour, but who cares?

4. Breathing fire and brimstone

Why do pastors jump up and down, cry and speak at the top of their voices, besides forcing themselves to speak in tongues?

The faithful can hear and get the message when you talk in a moderate voice and language they can understand. Please spare our eardrums.  

5. Endless church projects

Some pastors take advantage of the tithe and offering to lead a life of luxury in leafy suburbs, gassing fuel guzzlers while pretending the dough is meant for welfare projects like ‘Stray Cats Church Feeding Programme’. 

6. Preaching dry sermons

Some pastors think the word of God should be like the dry bones in the book of Ezekiel.

No jokes, no singing in between, no life. Just a dry sermon bereft of any soul to lighten up the service. They make attending church feel like digging a quarry!

7. The holier than thou

People attend church service to reconnect with God and to have their sinful ways mended, but there are some preachers who preach in a manner to suggest they have never lusted after the fleshy choir soloist.

The Bible is quite clear that however much we strive to be perfect; no human being can manage to be holy.

8.  Prosperity gospel crew

Some pastors promise their followers impossible things. The cobbler cannot drive a Porsche at the end of the year for heaven’s sake, unless he pulls a winning card in a national lottery.

Those big houses, jobs and financial rewards pastors promise end up being hot air raised at the height of speaking in tongues.  Please stop taking us for a ride, as we are tired of promises of Great Year, Fruitful Year and Wonderful Year, year in, year out!

9. Pastor wa udaku

Some Kenyan pastors just can’t keep secrets. They start preaching using a worshipper’s domestic issues they were sorting out last night.  

Some even tell their wives, and women being women, shortly the whole church knows your wife discovered your impotence during honeymoon!

10. The money-hungry

Some pastors make us believe that the money we give them goes to God, but we know it ends in their pockets.

Others ‘set’ people who initiate payments claiming it’s for ‘God’s work’ as the man of God needs food, clothing and shelter, but it’s never enough with money-hungry pastors who should know punda amechoka!