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Nairobi is divided into two hemispheres, the haves and the have-nots. The haves are a selected minority who drive ex- Japan cars and swear that they cannot be caught eating fish in a kibanda. Upuuus! The have-nots or the hustlers know all Matatu Saccos in Nairobi and kudandia nganya is what they love best. And while sitting in a matatu can be energy sapping, Nairobians have found creative activities to do during a mathree ride
1. Hawking
One clever Nairobian discovered a dubious way to avoid paying hectic levies to the county government to obtain business permits; hawking.
The noisy hawkers sell all sorts of merchandise from sweets, airtime, and handkerchiefs. They cleverly twist their diction to entice the already fatigued passenger. Innerwear can be called ‘Kifunika asali’ while chewing gum is called ‘breathe taker’
2. Kuokota coins
The average lazy jamaa will look for easy ways to steal from unsuspecting, frustrated Nairobians. The chap usually throws some coins on the floor and asks guys to help him collect as he collects their wallets and phones simultaneously. Pepo ishindwe!
3. Kuangalia Cargo
It is not rare to find a jamaa putting his hand slowly in his ding dong area and giving it a scratch of its life. This may be due to karura forest that has not met a razor in ages or uses of cheap rubber during lungula…blame it on the rising cost of living!
4. Compe ya matusi
Show me a makanga who is courteous and I will show you a politician who does not steal. These arguments always arise when the kanges state a certain fare when calling passengers in but double it once your bum is comfortable in the seat…of course, we all know who wins these petty senseless arguments…!
5. Google a mchumba
The cupid’s arrow can hit a target anytime. Thus once in a while, a guy will take a few deep breaths and greet the beautiful girl seated next to her. Of course, because he will complement her hair (read cheap river road weave) he is guaranteed to get her number and a Friday date is thus inevitable.
6. Whatsapp a sponsor
The free wifi in nganyas (if you get one which is working) encourages girls to chat with their sponsors and especially when the landlord starts demanding his dues.
7. Snatch a phone
When the traffic along Landhies road hits its peak, the Nairobian usually takes out his Chinese smartphone and starts to tweet…only for the starving, idle youth to pounce on him through the window and dash with the phone!
8. Siasa za backbench
The men seated at the backseats always form a public parliament (muchene) as they discuss Jubilee and their 47 Prados, women’s weaves, sports betting and the newest drinking joints in Nairobi.
9. Bread of life
A pastor will stand up and start preaching, the congregants will say amen enough times until he asks for sadaka. Kwisha! That is when all smartphones are unleashed as they pretend not to understand that Greek word. Heshimu pastor!
10. Bedminton
Half of the Nairobians are guilty of snoring in matatus especially during evening traffic. Some go ahead and lean their heads on your shoulder unapologetically as they drool stinking saliva on your newly bought mtumba suit. The Devil is a liar!
