Louder than your girlfriend last night: 10 hilarious ‘wise sayings’ on back of Kenyan vehicles

If you have been driving on Kenyan roads for a while you must have come across long distance trucks, matatus, boda bodas, bicycles and even private vehicles with hilarious quotes on their mudguards and even across their ‘backs.’

They range from quirky observations, distilled wisdom, modified proverbs to corrupted wise sayings. Most of these inscriptions are a reflection of the world of the drivers, their turn boys and sign writers, besides serving as comic relief during long, dreary traffic jams.

Here are ten quotes that portray mudguard madness.

 1. Yesterday’s meal on wheels

This is mostly found on mudguards or tanks of ‘Honey Sucker,’ that estate lorry which ferries stuff from septic tanks that have done their five courses.

The inscription is a mock reminder that whatever you were dying to eat yesterday night is nothing more than manure in a short while.

2. Louder than your girlfriend last night

This is found on vehicles with loud exhaust pipes including that annoying Subaru driven by those irritating ‘Nancy Boys’ on Kenyan roads.

But you can also spot on the back of a noisy Bedford lorry heaving and hissing up that hill around Mau Summit.

3. Grease both nipples twice a day…

Before your evil mind joins the dots and links this to sensitive ends of mammary glands, nipple is also a small projection on a device or machine, especially one from which oil, grease, or other fluid is dispensed in small amounts.

This kind of warning is found on long trucks to remind drivers to grease this part lest they get punished.

4. Chezea ujana, uzee ni finals

You will come across such sayings on mudguards or around the emergency exit of old Peugeot 504s climbing hilly Kinungi or Kimende areas.

This message appears targeted at those high on Old Monk but gassing their blue Subarus at 140Kph. 

5. Do you follow Jesus this close?

There are drivers who inch closer to others ‘waki nusa butt’ either on traffic or along the highway itching to overtake oblivious of oncoming drivers along the dangerous Delamere stretch or Kirai along the Nairobi Naivasha Highway.

But with full lights on, a driver in a hurry rarely misses this message that also warns them against pressing on the gas, accelerating chances of meeting the actual Jesus who they were not following that closely here on earth! 

6. Utamu wa uji, ni kutingiza bakuli

If you have ever taken hot sour uji with a bakuli then you know how true this one rings.  You don’t just drink uji, fyaa! The other along this line is ‘utamu wa njugu, ni kula moja moja.’

7. Salimia watu, pesa huisha

Almost everyone has story of man or woman whose life turned from grace to grass, if you interrogate more, you will be told such folks never bothered to greet kawaida people.

It is for such reasons that you will come across such quotes on mudguards of long distance truck hapo Mtito-Andei and also on boda bodas, mikokotenis and bicycles.

8. Kikojozi hapati usingizi ugenini

This is targeted at those who wet their beds at night, rarely finding sleep whenever they go visiting. 

9. You just got passed by a girl

Few things get the goat of any man with parental hair on their chests more than a feisty little thing, sunglasses on, vrooming her Vitz past their over-engineered Mercedes along Waiyaki Way from where he reads ‘You just got passed by a girl’ most times her first car…on loan!

10. My other ride is your wife

This quote is another slap on the face of hubby driving to work days after parting ways with Mama Watoto over allegations that while he, (Baba Mtu) snores like a cat, the local mechanic is doing ‘service and overhaul’ on her.