Born city: Chick, mitumba and matumbo are different

 Mitumba and matumbo are different Photo: Courtesy

Those among us who grew up in the Eastlands have a love for ‘Eastlando’ culture and its way of life.

Most of us treated (and still do) each other as brothers and sisters. We belong to a big family of the Eastlands tribe. Any of our friend’s parents were referred to as mum or dad.

Men who grew up in that neighbourhood also prefer women from Eastlands. This is because they understand  hardships, know how to hustle, are patient and will rarely desert the family.

Eastlands women, when they become your chick, will insist on cooking, doing dishes and other house chores that are challenging to bachelors.

That is the male perception of chicks from Eastlands, which is different from the perception of women about men from Eastlands.

Eastlands’ women too have dreams — like any other young chick — you know, the finer things in life. The number one thing on their list is get rich, quickly. Very quickly.

Most don’t think they can get these fine things they seek by dint of hard work — and see marrying a rich dude as their meal ticket to Easy Street.   

I usually laugh when interacting with Eastlands’ women who  believe stuff people post on their social media pages as true. Most of it is just show off — pictures of youths next to European cars, good restaurants, in hotel rooms, planes. They get the most likes.

The only problem with Eastlando women is that they’re not so exposed to life West of Uhuru Highway. They have not interacted with loaded families to know the rules of engagement.

Yet, as I have said here before, for the wealthy, it’s more about which family one comes from.

They don’t have the tribal nonsense peculiar to the so called common mwananchi. To them, there are only two tribes: the rich and the poor, and how to protect their wealth and therefore, their tribe.

Ask yourself why  most inter-marriages between the rich involve people from Central Kenya and Nyanza.

The main challenge is whether Eastlands’ women can follow  rules often laid down by the wealthy — knowing which  cutlery to use, that red wine goes with red meat and the difference between a dinner and party dress.

I bet its not easy for Eastlands women who attended Ndururuno Primary School — and can’t differentiate mitumba from matumbo.

There is no room of speaking the mtu nguyas type of Sheng that most are used to, nothing like gota for greetings.

If you are used to those 500mls bottles of beer and filling your plates with food, then start learning to hold wine glasses and eating in  small potions.

When it comes to religion, start attending traditional churches like Roman Catholic, Anglican and Orthodox as they conform to schedules and procedures — not making a sermon appear like a shouting match with preachers foaming at the mouth, shouting and dancing.

When clubbing, dear Eastland’s girl, please leave those chini kwa chini dance styles and twerking your small dusty butts in Jeri, Baha, Oloolo, Uhunye and Isich.

You must learn to dance like a lady without sweating, wait to be asked for a dance when it’s a family function not throwing yourself to the dance floor saying song yangu before issuing an illiterate scream.

So next time you sisters from humble backgrounds step in rarefied locations where the rich are easy with their environment, please do your homework.

To bag that loaded dude requires some work. Making money is not as easy as learning Sheng. It is all about some learned patience, working smart and prayers.

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@AineaOjiambo