10 things about funerals of the rich in Kenya

 From black uniforms to somber entertainment, food and funeral programme, the rich are buried differently Photo: Courtesy

Death could be a common denominator, the great equalizer, but hey, even as stiffs, the filthy rich are embalmed in middle class morgues. The hoi polloi are condemned to the City Mortuary where there are fake pastors for hire hovering outside the gate. From black uniforms to somber entertainment, food and funeral programme, the rich are buried differently.

Here are 10 ways of knowing dear departed hailed from a loaded family. 

1. We had bacon for breakfast 

Unlike the funeral of the common mwananchi, the loaded hardly scramble for food at the buffet table. They had a square breakfast at home. And by the way, the caterers are not village women but a five star outside catering outfit with pro chefs.

The chapos are soft, rice ni moja moja and without floating cabbages common in prison diet. And have we mentioned that the meat is prepared using sunflower oil since masonko hawapendi cholesterol!

2. Benches hurt soft bums

There is no borrowing benches from the nearby primary school or folding chairs from majirani. No ugly hemas either erected on tree branches, swaying precariously. Dressed white plastic seats match the white coloured tents. The casket (coffins are for those living 100 metres below the poverty line) has its own small tent in case a politician comes and there’s impromptu viewing of the stiff.

3. No selling photos

Professionals snappers have tripods, are neatly dressed and hardly speak to mourners. High quality photos need concentration. No funny photos in funny poses and with subjects sleeping, saliva dripping when swallowing a whole potato or staring at the MC. No photographers out for biashara, hanging people’s photos along the barbed wire fence, blackmailing buyers. 

4. Kiswahili ni ngumu 

Impeccable English with a twang, no mother tongue since even at funerals Kiswahili i with only the bereaved rich from Mt Kenya and the lakeside crew throwing in vernacular oblivious of mourners from Kapseret...

5. More tyres than shoes

When a compound is full of fuel guzzlers until some cars have been vomited outside on the pavement, just know the mourners buy more tyres than shoes. They know more mechanics than shoe shiners. But when you see a fleet of boda bodas and bicycles...

6. Funerals are rallies

You will know the dead was an important Kenyan when political aspirants turn funeral speeches into campaigns for the presidency,  governor, senator, Women’s Rep, MP to MCA posts and the MC has to remind them it’s almost raining.

7. No photo copied eulogy

While hoi polloi have their eulogies photocopies with smudges of ink and the main picture appears like hazy photos common in our national IDs, the eulogy for the rich is a souvenir booklet; not one page with bad grammar!

8. No stab wounds

The rich don’t ‘kuff’ at Level 5 hospital. They die abroad or at a pricey facility that make others sell kidneys for consultation. They also don’t die of small time diseases like malaria, typhoid, cholera or dysentery. Or kaswende.

They don’t get stabbed with rusty knives in Mukuru kwa Reuben. They die in plane crashes. They disappear at sea. Or a cool rare disease you are only likely to bump into in an American movie.

9. No lorries for a hearse

The hearse is escorted by a fleet of high end cars. No hiring Pickups so rusty they can cause tetanus. There is a lowering gear to lower dear departed, not unlike hoi polloi who rely on ugali power!

10. Brainy quotes

While ‘God’s Bits of Wood’ have the usual “We loved you, but God loved you more. Sleep well,” the rich will have “Life is given to us, we earn it by giving it.” Or “Life, like a child, laughs, shaking its rattle of death as it runs.”

Others get pretty poetic:

“A death is not the extinguishing of a light, but the putting out of the lamp because the dawn has come.”