Team Mafisi are an embarrassment to hyenas

 You will never bump into a fat, wheezing, overweight hyena, trust me! Despite surviving entirely on red meat, it is virtually impossible to find a hyena with a potbell

I could say I am something of an expert on hyenas. In another life, when I used to earn a living as a naturalist, in simple terms, a person who studies plants and animals as they live in nature, my boss instructed me to popularise the hyena.

The chap was an old game warden prone to wild and ribald jokes. Thinking he was spinning a new one, I said, “You are killing me!” and laughed hysterically like a hyena. Turned out this one time, he was serious.

Popularise the hyena? That cowardly nasty smelling fleabag that trots lazily within the wild fringes of the savannah, stealing meat and chewing rotten stuff? How?! Seeing us I had little choice, I dug into my new task and discovered facts that would shock the free-ranging fornicators who have christened themselves ‘Mafisi Sacco.’

First gentlemen, and I use that term loosely, hyenas are matriarchal, meaning they are sat on by their women who, of course, are more muscular and not too easy on the eye.

What this means is that members of the aforementioned Sacco should cease salivating about gorgeous women with immediate effect. Instead, they should look for big, muscular women who will dominate them in the tradition of their wild founders.

The second thing members of the Sacco should appreciate is that the real fisi is a damn good hunter; sly, intelligent and tenacious. What sets them apart from other carnivores is that whereas other cats depend on big bursts of speed, mafisi will chase prey in a park for a really long time. Put another way, they are marathon runners.

You will never bump into a fat, wheezing, overweight hyena, trust me! Despite surviving entirely on red meat, it is virtually impossible to find a hyena with a potbelly.

Thus, if you are not a lithe, fit man who can run up the stairs, the Sacco should cancel your membership forthwith.

The third crucial fact about hyenas is that contrary to myths, they are not cowards. They kill lion cubs to minimise future competition and have been known to harangue a pride of lions from a kill. Hyenas are about strategy and teamwork.

In our scheme of things, a lion is a ‘sponsor,’ so one would expect tough members of the Sacco to be frightening sponsors from their kills in apartments in Kilimani.

But the reality is that the average fisi is a broke-ass and when the lion, read the dude who pays the rent, knocks on the door, he scampers chini ya kitanda like a mouse.

If that woman has not swept her bedroom for three days, which is common, and a cloud of dust rises, a fit of coughing will initiate coitus interruptus between the lion and prey. The real hyena would be backed by his mate, but in the case of Sacco members, the fisi will be that skinny fellow running for dear life in his birthday suit!

And oh...hyenas have powerful teeth and jaws that practically chomp everything, including bone and skin. That makes a Team Mafisi Sacco member the kinda fella who drools, swallowing chicken bones during a dinner date.