10 signs to watch out in a violent person

Domestic violence cases have been on the rise in Kenya. Many of such cases go unreported and only a few find spaces in the print and social media. Some generate public debate and condemnation while others go unnoticed or are silenced at home before they go viral. Although there are no recent tabulated statistics for Kenya, Gender Violence Recovery Center (GVRC) treats 15 cases of rape and domestic violence every day. Since its inception in 2011, the center has treated 4,500 patients. The prevalence of domestic violence in Kenya is said to be influenced by out-dated cultural belief systems and patriarchal dominance among other reasons.

The horror images registered in the minds of the abused and psychological impact on the lives of the children who witness them, cannot be described.

Most forms of violence are preventable when detected early. Observing behavior patterns and habits, beams out possible factors that could make you vulnerable to domestic violence. Abused persons often express shock, for missing the obvious signs of violence in their partners, spouses or friends. Here are some of the possible signs likely to result into anger and subsequent abuse in a relationship:-

Jealous and possessiveness

An Irish writer Elizabeth Bowen once wrote, that “jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies”. This statement has relevance to what happens when one experience mixed feelings that come out as jealousy. Jealousy is often the visible mask that covers hurtful feelings and attitudes. Deep-seated feelings of possessiveness, insecurity and shame all hide behind jealousy and may result into abuse and anger. Despite jealousy being a natural occurrence, observation of reactions that follows it, are red-light warnings to possible violence. In an era of open social media communication, where likes on Face book or re-tweeting on twitter is not an endorsement. Your partner's reactions may be the much needed warning for impending violence. Watch out!

Attempts to isolate from friends and family- who to see and not to...

Does your partner make efforts to deny you rights of association with friends or even your family? These are usually clear abuse warnings many ignore. When a spouse or a partner is irritated when you visiting your family member, or friends, tells a lot about their level of excessive possessiveness. Some suggest activities to coincide with planned events, so as to prevent moment of socializing with family and friends. Sticking to planned calendar, may cause conflict and trigger the deeply seated anger. Some may claim they are of less priority. Others may allow such interactions but closely monitor with phone calls every hour. Some use such opportunity to level imaginary unfaithful accusation or start heated arguments that end up in violence or insults. We are social beings and as such require form of support system from either friends or family. Who said socializing life ends with marriage?

Sudden unexplainable changes in mood

Moods are said to involve more than emotions. Moods bring about changes in action, thoughts and ability to make sound judgment. They also change the normal functioning of the body. Many people confuse emotions from moods. Moods make people lose the ability to see their emotions in perspective and often prevents acting wisely when moody. On the other hand, emotions are simply normal adaptive responses to life situations, which makes emotions 'normal' in humans.

 

Moods come in many colours and forms. Here I’m only concerned about violence related moods. The irritable moods cause one to easily get annoyed, trigger anger, arguments or aggressive behaviour. The brain part that coordinates actions and judgment, gets disruption from moods. People with mood disorder are said to be quick in acting (mania) and slow in thinking or judging their actions.

A partner or a spouse who has unexplainable changes in mood may react irrationally and cause harm. This is mostly common among persons with anger issues and history of violence. Observe the moods to remain safe in your relationship.

Insulting in public or with friends

One may wonder why I chose this as a red light sign in avoiding violence. Domestic violence or any form of violence is built on demeaning another person, be it physically or psychologically. Insults; be it in public or private, inflicts long-lasting scars to an insulted person. Insults are usually directed at a person's feelings, self-esteem, pride, identity and ego. A scar formed from a first time insult, may become a chronic wound. Rage may result from an insulted person which may ultimately trigger need for revenge. It is at such a point, one may express all bottled-up anger by doing an unimaginable thing.

Control on finances, clothes

This is a difficult discussion in many relationships; it is a factor that may lead to violence. Everybody wishes to have a form of autonomy when it comes to expending hard-earned-cash. Discomfort may arise when one feels controlled. Partners may assist each other overcome impulse purchasing habits...that each may have, in efforts to control financial spending. I’m not talking about the moderated co-budgeting scenario, nah! I’m referring to domineering habits that tend to control or exercise power. Co-budgeting or doing things in a communion manner should not be the avenue to deny individual's freedoms and rights. Dressing debate is another area that fuels jealousy. If a person loves you, they must not define what you wear, otherwise there is no difference with being in a prison. I know of insensible men who use dressing as an excuse to unleash violence on their spouses or partners. It's not the external factors that cause the problem. It's what is on the mind.

Passing back the blame for abuse

This is a defense mechanism used to justify wrong acts. For instance, a violent person acting without judgment of their actions may wish to show remorse and sympathy after an event. A common line used “I did A,B,C because I was drunk”. Use SR philosophy to prevent abuse. Between stimulus and reaction, there is WILL (Internal ability to make a decision irrespective of external pressure). The easiest path to escape is usually blaming, which is rewarding to behavior.

Use of constant threats and intimidate

Although scientists are still studying the mysterious cause of threatening behaviors in humans. Charles Darwin established that threatening behaviours among animals is a modulator to aggression that is designed to strengthen social dominance and keep predators at bay. The bottom line seem to show the need to remain in-charge and in control. Psychologists agree that, psychological healthy people are rarely violent. Next time before you try to reason on whether the threat was valid or invalid, remember that you might not survive the second abuse.

 

 

Forceful sex

Whenever a sexual encounter is not consented it is an abuse. A person who ignores personal rights to make decision, demonstrates aggressive behaviour traits. It is important to observe this and other small forceful actions such as forced hugs, forced hand-holding, forced accompaniment to a mall or someplace. In most cases, attempts to oppose the forceful actions may trigger anger and result in violence. Place a red tape and define boundaries to prevent violence.

Destroys household items when angry

For some people transferring anger towards non-living things at home, may sound ok. Caution must be taken on any person who is destructive. Destructive anger is a sign to watch out in a person, it gives a sign that the person is unable to control self and as such may do nasty stuff. Take it seriously before the anger pangs are re-directed at you.

Asks for forgiveness after abuse

The crocodile tears should not mislead anyone to think the same person will never repeat their heinous actions. Forgive once, learn the second time and prevent a third repeat. The first time might be a mistake, the second and third can’t be mistakes. It's a habit that defines the person.

Say no to all forms of violence by being vigilant in preventing it from happening. The signs are on the wall, look out for them and together we can break the silence.