Why would a woman drink beer?

The social stigma that previously shrouded women tipplers is a far cry from the present day flourishing female alcoholics. While I support women’s liberation as much as the next guy, there is one pertinent issue I just can’t seem to wrap my head around. Ladies, what is your poison?

It is my oft-expressed opinion that women should not drink beer. Every time I see a woman imbibing lager in a brown bottle, I die a little inside.

The only thing you can do that is more degrading is taking a swig of your lager straight from the bottle, in which case, there isn’t a spark of decency in you. You may just as well go ahead and scratch your crotch or pick your nose in public. You are a lost cause.

Men say a woman will instantly lose her sex appeal when she drinks a beer. They might find you intriguing; a woman who can handle the taste of beer is a rare commodity. At best, you will become one of the boys. A drinking buddy. A plus if you know a thing or two about soccer, the English Premier League, I mean.

We all have that distant friend who drinks beer. Very, very distant friend (nobody in my inner circle would dare self- deprecate like that). Now, my friend Njeri (In my experience, most Njeris are loud, rough at the edges of refinement and drink booze. I stand corrected) believes she is hard-core because she can down several bottles of Guinness.

She will scoff at wine, my preferred alcoholic beverage, dismissing it as “juice”. The best part is when she proclaims that she can drink 20 glasses of wine and not feel a thing. Really Njeri, really?

Woe unto you if you ever confided in her about how you got sloshed after four glasses of wine. What an achievement, Njeri! I will personally ensure it reflects as much in your eulogy.

They say beer is an acquired taste. My pallet just doesn’t find beer even remotely appealing. The smell... It is like something died and dissolved in your glass! The taste is dreadful. It’s like shoving paint thinner down your throat.

I look at it this way. We all drink to get that nice buzz. If there was a way I could get that buzz without guzzling all that liquid, I would go for it.

Heck, if I could ingest mine intravenously, I would! Even the sweeter options are a bit of a bother, what with all those bathroom breaks and creepy men with drugs hidden in their dirty socks!

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