Western romance has ruined African love

Roses, chocolates, and lavish dinners washed down by choice wines; perfect ingredients of romance, according to the current generation.

And as Kenyans continue to struggle with the high cost of living, this did not stop those who could from showering their lovers with gifts, taking them on romantic dates or shopping during this year's Valentine's Day on Tuesday.

Today's hip generation may be oblivious to the fact that their parents, and those before them did not need "to buy love" as is the custom today.

Before the turn of the century, Valentine's culture was nothing more than a Western concept that came to interrupt the tried and tested African methods of wooing a lover.

 Valentine staple- a romantic dinner

You see, back then, a Sh100 note in the pocket was more than enough to treat a girl to a tasty meal of fish and chips in the city. In the village, the amount would be enough for two dates.

And a date was not the casual affair it has come to be where sexual attraction seems to be a key driving factor.

It was an opportunity for two young people to get to know each other better in a relationship that would culminate in some livestock changing ownership and eventually marriage.

Dating would also be an intricate affair, depending on whether one lived in the city or the village.

"It was not as complicated as many young people have made it to be with money and sex at the centre," states Dan, 54, and a father of two boys in their early 20s. "I don't remember showing up with flowers except that one time when I plucked some from the girl's father's shamba. What you saw was what you got. There were no pretences."

Dan, who grew up in Nyeri, remembers the day when he became serious with the girl who later became his wife. Like most romantic episodes in the village, Dan and his heart-throb were schoolmates. Their parents fetched water from the same river. They also attended the same church.

"There was enough time to observe the girl. You knew all her family members. After all, I schooled with her siblings as well, some who later became defensive the day they knew about my intentions," he says.

Clandestine affairs

Oftentimes, these dates started as clandestine affairs so as not to arouse unintended attention from busybodies. Visits to the girl's home were rare during the early days of dating. In fact, the boy had to avoid unnecessary contact with the girl's parents, unlike the current generation that has no qualms getting overly familiar with a future in-law.

At times, the boy would use the girl's younger siblings as emissaries to lure the girl out of the house and into his lair. The girl would prosecute the boy's intentions, his patience, commitment, and energy in a small court outside the gate, perhaps when no one else was home.

On Sundays, footpaths, school fields and even churches would turn into dating sites where lovers sat or took walks to have a mature talk, unlike today where two sex-hungry individuals make out at the beach, in parking lots, on roadsides, public parks, or corridors.

Like sleuths trying to unravel a murder scene, the men and women eyeing each other did their homework well in finding out all they could about each other's family, friends and the character of each person before making lasting commitments.

Back then, a random girl would be 'planted' around the man to test his resilience without his knowledge. If he had true love for his 'real' girl, he would refuse all allures from the 'foreign' lady. Few men can pass the test today.

These girls were made of steel and behaved like the one described in the Biblical Song of Solomon who was like "a wall and her breasts like towers" that could not be objects of infatuation or play toys.

And rather than fall for the man effortlessly, they allowed him to do the 'hunting', a task that involved writing love letters, poems, and getting the girl's close friends to praise and support his initiative. Love in the city was no different. In an era when mobile phones and social media were not even a rumour, a boy and a girl arranged their next meeting well in advance. If the girl's parents were a bit well-off, they perhaps owned the old-style home telephone.

The boy would then look for a telephone booth in the neighbourhood and, armed with enough one-shilling coins, place a call to the girl's home, hoping that it will not be picked by her father.

However, his secrets would be flung in the open as those who waited in line to make calls at the booth exchanged giggles at hearing the man's love story.

Love in the CBD

The open space outside the Kenya National Archives and Kenya Cinema building, both along Moi Avenue were perfect meeting spots.

 Kenya Cinema was a popular meeting spot.

The boy, dressed in some drab jeans, an untucked shirt and a cap would be one to die for. The girl would show up in those silky dresses, or 'mushaino' while rocking some heels and the curly kit style on her natural hair.

A few hundred shillings in the pocket would be enough for the boy to treat the girl to a movie with some change for popcorn and a soft drink, while for those low on finances, a boat ride at Uhuru Park made for a perfect date.

John Chege*, a Langata resident, remembers the days when Nairobi Dam hosted a sailing club where lovebirds would spend the day.

"With Sh50, you could take her for a ride as you opened your heart to her. All these girls needed was to be assured that you will be able to provide for your future offspring. They were not looking for riches," says Chege, now married for 24 years.

Unfortunately, dating has been turned into a cash cow with young women being accused of kukula fare while young men are in for sex rather than searching for lifelong partners. Research co-authored by Dr Brian Collisson, associate professor in the Department of Psychology at Azusa Pacific University, says that one in three women has been on a date, not to pursue a possible relationship but to get a free meal.

To the girls, money makes the world go round with their mantra being: "Date wababa to visit new places for good selfies."