Forgotten dads: Fathers ignored on their special day as usual

 

Yesterday was an important day for male parents This was when society was supposed to celebrate fatherhood, honour dads and their influence on society Unfortunately, the day went unnoticed

If you are a dad reading this, it is highly unlikely that you got any recognition, honour or gift yesterday on Father’s Day. Fathers are not valued as they should and the evidence is all around us.

Nothing aptly captures this than the case of a hurt and pissed off father, who left a local vernacular radio station listeners touched last year's Father’s Day. He narrated his ordeal, explaining how his grown sons and daughters never call him, unless they want money.

“My biological kids never even send a text message to check on me. My step child, whom I treat as my own, is always meeting his father and buying him gifts. My wife’s attention is on the step child, pampering him so that he doesn’t go to live with his father,” he whined, adding that he feels like a walking cheque book, yet none of the kids spend time with him.

Unlike the case with Mother’s Day, Father’s Day is, unfortunately, never a big deal in most homes. “Let our strong physique not deceive you, we, too, want to be shown love. It’s just that we are not petty,” complains Philip Ngare, who says last year he never got a single gift or any form of appreciation or acknowledgment as his wife did on Mother’s Day.

“Ordinarily, fathers don’t demand too much. Some only need recognition for the bother of raising kids and educating them. But such gestures are never forthcoming on our special day,” adds Ngare, a father of three.

For James Obala, he wonders why women find it so hard to spend on their men on this one occasion, even after being pampered throughout the year.

“We celebrate and honour them on Mother’s Day, Women’s Day, Valentine’s Day and many other special occasions like on Christmas Day. Heck, every Wednesday night is dedicated to women, yet they can’t even save to treat their husbands or fathers on this one day,” wonders Obala, whose entire household comprise of women but none gifted him.

Obala argues that save for some sections of media, who always pretend to value fatherhood and the role of a father in the modern family on this day, we hardly experience media frenzy or fanfare akin to the one that characterises Mother’s Day.

“Beside June 17, when parts of media pretend to celebrate fathers, the role of dads in family is always downplayed and taken for granted throughout the other 364 days of the years,” complains Obala.

The mainstream view and complaint from most men is that they spend a lot of money on their women, but when it comes their turn to show appreciation, they do nothing or give a joke of a reciprocation. For instance, a man buys his wife a car for being a great mother or even starts her a business to celebrate her, but when Father’s Day comes, the man only gets a miserable pair of socks or a tie.

Before an anniversary or a day when women are celebrated like a birthday or Mother’s Day, they always start nagging men well in advance. But as the one and only day when men are celebrated, Father’s Day approaches, the silence is always loud.

As for James Mwangi, fathers are under siege. According to the father of two, dads seem to be society’s punching bag. In courts, he argues, it’s always a lose-lose situation for fathers.

“The court system always unfairly denies us custody of our children, in case of divorce. The media always portrays us as incompetent or absentee parents, who are never actively involved in upbringing of children,” cries Mwangi.

Oddly, the common view in most female quarters is that ‘men have increasingly become useless’, with some even bragging how they can do without husbands.

Save for their financial contribution, husbands’ general contribution in homes and in children’s lives is increasingly being rendered irrelevant. The absence of a father, especially in single mother homes, is always their (men’s) fault, never that of the woman.

“It’s true, some women are responsible for the disappearance of husbands from home. But they keep making it look like the men are to blame. It’s odd how father’s successes are shared, but their failures are theirs alone,” wonders Beth Kirigo, who sympathises with fathers, whilst hoping that her only son will not fall victim to this sad state of affairs.

Interestingly, there are men who feel nothing about the so-called special day for men. To this lot, this is unnecessary. Take Sammy Ngige, for instance. According to the father of four, men being all mushy and begging to be recognised makes them come off as weak.

“Whining that they want to be treated is a sign of how weak and misguided the whole concept of fatherhood has become. Perhaps the only urgent social challenge that society needs to focus on to help fathers in the competitive modern society is to re-create and redefine fatherhood as a vital social role,” he says.

Ngige adds that we live in unfortunate times, when modern society appears to believe that every child doesn’t necessarily need a father.

“You ask a lady whether a father figure is important to a child and the likely answer is ‘not really’ or ‘maybe’. To better the relationship between children, especially daughters with their fathers, let’s confront this uncomfortable problem and start valuing fathers once again,” he says.

Maendeleo ya Wanaume (Mawe) Chair Nderitu Njoka says that the day is “dismally” remembered because of the passive attitude society has on men. He believes that fathers are modern day slaves, accustomed to sacrificing for women and family with no appreciation.

“Being a father has increasingly become a thankless role. It is as if the fathers have no feeling and there is no justification to celebrate them on Father’s Day,” he says, adding that fathers are humans who also enjoy love and care.

The men’s rights champion says that the neglect and persecution of men is not a zero-sum game because it consequently hurts the family. To show care to fathers and the boy child at large, Mawe organised a bash for street children and a get-together for men in Mukuru Kwa Njenga slums, Nairobi.

“We had to refocus the agenda of the day to discuss why the boy child is always neglected, yet the narrative doing the rounds in social circles is that the girl child is under siege. The myth has to be demystified,” says Njoka.

Njoka regrets that government has joined the bandwagon of overlooking men’s issues, especially on matters to do with funding.

“We (Mawe) have tried all our best to present our views on the importance of having a men fund like we have the women fund. Unfortunately, whenever we present the petition to government before budget making we are snubbed. Yet men contribute more to the tax kitty than anyone else,” he says.

Does he feel that society might change any soon its attitude towards the father? “We have a long way to go. It will start by fathers themselves fighting for space so that they also can be felt in the family picture. A good starting point is to make a habit of getting your father a present, call him more often or even send them a card on such a day,” he says.

The chairman says fathers who have been rejected or get snubbed on Father’s Day should take heart. “Don’t take it personally, we shall live to fight another day,” he concludes.