Tale of men who ogle other women in the presence of their wives

 This, apparently, is something that comes almost naturally [Photo: Courtesy]

You are strolling in town in the company of your girlfriend or wife, or even mother-in-law, and something catches your eye.

It could be a nice pair of legs, yummy lips, good-looking elbows or knees, a nice nose, long hair or even well shaped hips or perky mammary glands.

You slow down and start checking them out from the corner of your eye. The glance turns into a stare, then slowly morphs into a lecherous ogle.

Before you know it, whoever you are with will be staring at you. Many men have experienced this and even got hit or their names screamed out.

This, apparently, is something that comes almost naturally. When both men and women, married or not, see an attractive member of the opposite sex, they tend to stare at them slightly longer.

“However, men have a tendency of overdoing it, at times, shamelessly. Some get carried away and, with their mouth wide open, sigh “oh wow!” before quickly apologising,” says Lucy, a city resident who can’t stand a man who ogles other women.

Apparently, ogling, is a weakness that afflicts all men, their age, race, class, occupation or marital status notwithstanding. All men, from the Pope, religious leaders, born-again men, happily married men to presidents, do it.

A while back, the husband of the president of Finland was caught on video sheepishly gawking at a Danish princess’ breasts during a state dinner.

As he sat next to the princess, the first gentleman, Pentti Arajarvi, was caught absentmindedly staring at her cleavage during the dinner hosted by the princess’ mother-in-law, Queen Margrethe.

When the princess moved her eyes from the speaker on the podium, she found the first gentleman staring at her boobs. The embarrassed husband of the president jerked upwards and pretended to be admiring the ceiling of the palace.

For a while, the incident created an awkward moment, leaving the shy princess protectively covering her cleavage using the palm of her hand as the first gentleman continued to squint and pretend to ‘study’ the ceiling.

This tale echoes an incident in the 2009 G8 summit in Italy where the then president of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, and former US president, Barack Obama, were spotted leering at the shapely figure and backside of a Brazilian woman passing by.

If the high and mighty do it, who are Kenyan men? Most women have caught their boyfriends and husbands ‘checking out’ other women while in their company. Some are more tactful about it, as they have mastered the art of staring discreetly using the corners of their eyes.

“Wow, she has a nice kitenge,” a clever man is likely to blurt out, when in actual sense he is checking out her cleavage or endowed backside. “You need such earrings sweetheart,” yet another is likely to mumble, in a bid to get license to check out and admire a stunning stranger.

“The male eyes seem to have no boundaries; be it leering at cute waitress with plumpish posteriors; staring at curvy ushers in church; or even ogling the house girl or mother-in-law,” says Lucy, adding that women must learn to live with this sad reality.

Seemingly, the most infuriating bit about this habit is that some men often get so engrossed in it, they forget they are in the company of girlfriends or wives.

One day, Jacky, a business woman in Nairobi, had to thwack her husband on the forehead using her handbag for him to stop gawking at a waitress at a hotel. Jacky says her man embarrasses her whenever they go out together.

“He literally stares at everything in a mini-skirt. When we go out and an attractive woman passes by, he stares. It is so embarrassing because he makes me feel inadequate,” she says.

Maureen, a nurse, says her husband has wandering eyes, and it does not matter what she does or says because he seems unable to help but stare at other women.

“I am young, beautiful and attractive. I have two children but I have maintained my figure and size. Plus, I dress in the latest fashion and styles. But even that does not prevent my husband from unashamedly staring at other women in my presence,” moans Maureen.

Pauline, on the other hand, argues that ogling is not in men’s genes. She says it a behaviour that can be ‘un-learned’. She is of the view that men will only indulge in this behaviour if their women allow it.

 “I would sulk whenever I caught him ogling. He sort of learned and only does it discreetly,” she says.

June, a public relations consultant, says she has a way of dealing with boyfriends who ogle shamelessly.

“Who said men have a monopoly of ogling or secretly ‘checking out’ beautiful women in the name of appreciating beauty? Whenever I am dating a man who does not understand such behaviour is rude and messes with my self-esteem, I simply start to ogle ‘hot’ men to annoy him,” she says.

Apparently, it’s not just the ogling that annoys women, but the ridiculous excuses that men give when caught staring.

From, “this thing is in our genes”, “women are lucky, unlike us, they have control”, to, “we are visual creatures and it happens automatically”, men have all sorts of excuses to justify it. “I am just checking her out, not making a move,” some will defend themselves.

Muli, a saloon owner, however, does not understand what the fuss is all the about, and says that ogling beautiful women is natural. He says as long as a man does not cheat, he does not see what the problem is with appreciating God’s good work.

“If a beautiful woman who is pleasing to my eyes passes by, I will definitely let my eyes feast. It is a compulsion that I cannot resist. It is not cheating, it is simply appreciating beauty,” says Muli.

His philosophy seems to resonate with most men we talked to. In fact, one Kwayera, a student, says women need to understand that it is a biological compulsion that men cannot resist.

“When a man stares at a woman, it is all about celebrating her beauty. It is in our genes, we are very visual and even if a man has a wife or a girlfriend, there is nothing wrong with appreciating beauty from other quarters,” says Kwayera.

A Mr Omwenga, on the other hand, says he is a big fun of jewelry. Whenever he sees some good necklace or nose ring, he always gives it a good look. “Unfortunately, my wife assumes I’m leering and gets angry, when it’s never the case,” he says.

He argues that women, especially married ones, are just jealous. They want men to give all their attention to them and assume their eyes see nothing good on this planet besides them, yet we are just married not dead.

“You see those women who patronise sports arenas, like when we have rugby, soccer ... they don’t go there to enjoy the sport, but to ogle and ‘check out’ ‘hot’ men,” he says, adding that women spend hours sprucing themselves up and some actually appreciate when men stare at them as a way of acknowledging their beauty or effort.

Does staring at beautiful woman amount to cheating or disrespecting your better half? Well, the mainstream view we found among those we talked to is that most men who ogle have no bad intentions.

According to one Kinuthia, women must understand that men are visual creatures. Hear him: “At times, the spirit would really try its level best to fight the temptation to ogle, but the body completely refuses. And again, is it a crime to look at a hotel menu, just because you have made an order for food and you are already eating?” asks Kinuthia.

He says his wife is “mature and understanding”, so much so that they both comment on attractiveness of strangers, neigbours and friends. “We even have celebs we have crushes on and we never hide it,” he concludes.

The general consensus, however, is that men must be sensitive to the feelings of their partners, even as they appreciate beauty or satisfy their curiosity.