Ex-FIFA boss Sepp Blatter plans to apply for Kenyan citizenship, join local politics

With the race to succeed the suspended Fifa president already underway, it has emerged that Sepp Blatter is considering taking up dual citizenship in Kenya, where he’s more likely to be tolerated and even elected into office.

Speaking to friends, the veteran football administrator is said to have been full of praise for Kenya’s indomitable spirit of stealing everything and anything in sight.

“I would be happy to live among like-minded people... If I had encountered Kenyans when I was at Fifa, I would never have been suspended over a trivial matter like corruption! I am learning so much from them. Heavens help Fifa, if one day a Kenyan gets to lead it!” Blatter is quoted as saying.

campaign machinery

Already, rumours have it that he will relocate to Kenya and plans to enter the country’s politics. A reliable source revealed that he has begun assembling his campaign machinery, though a close confidant has dissuaded him against wasting his resources and efforts, since there’s a shortcut that has a far more guaranteed outcome - bribing voters.

“Oh, just like I used to do at Fifa?!” the lawyer-turned-sports administrator is said to have interjected when the idea of buying voters was floated. As proof of his seriousness, he has already presented himself for vetting and passed the integrity test and received a clean bill of health from the anti-corruption agency.

Asked how he managed to get clearance from the agency given past corruption allegations against him, the Swiss flashed a smile then said, “Oh, come on, this is Kenya!” Then he went on to add that the corruption allegations against him during his tenure at Fifa were only because his tribe in Switzerland was being targeted. And again, he didn’t have enough time to mobilise and incite his kinsmen, since he was busy wiring Fifa funds to his private accounts.

Mr Blatter is also reportedly considering taking up a Kenyan name. “You know a lot of people call me Sepp... short for Joseph.. but in Kenya, I understand it would be Josee... so, yeah, I’ll go with Josee...!” Blatter declared. In light of the corruption scandals being revealed everyday, ‘Joseph Blunder’ is also said to be very proud that Kenyans are imitating his methods, adding that they owe him for ‘borrowing’ his style of pretending to fight corruption - talking and talking and making endless promises in the hope that people will forget and move on.

“All my life at Fifa... especially since the time corruption allegations first surfaced, my style was to keep talking and talking about fighting corruption, without actually doing anything about it... and your leaders have now run away with my invention... they owe me royalties for stealing my intellectual property without my consent or even bothering to acknowledge me!” lamented the veteran football administrator.

Despite his optimism and grand plans of a bright future in Kenya, Blatter’s plans to settle in the country have recently become a victim of the hopelessly corrupt Kenyan system. This came to the fore after he bought a house on what has now turned out to be grabbed land where once a river used to run through, but was diverted to allow for the construction of houses by a highly placed land grabber.

“You people are incorrigibly corrupt... God help you...” the septuagenarian is said to have lashed out upon the discovery. “Frankly, now I don’t understand why you are at the bottom of the world’s football rankings... haven’t any of you thought of bribing to improve your rankings? Or of what use is your corrupt nature? Useless *%$!”