Poor exam results jolt Standards Bureau into testing credibility of success cards

The Bureau of Standards and Quality has revealed that it will soon start testing the credibility and trustfulness of success cards. This is after parents, whose children posted disastrous results in national exams despite being sent hundreds of success cards, lodged complaints, urging the bureau to intervene and put the reliability of the said cards to test.

“We will not sit back and allow success cards with a credibility crisis to be sold to unsuspecting members of the public, yet our duty and mandate to Kenyans is to protect them from exploitation,” said an angry spokesperson of the quality bureau as he banged tables at a press conference. “Henceforth we will only certify those that have a successful track record!”

Memorised

This was announced following numerous complaints by thousands of parents some of whom had to cajole, threaten, beg, bribe and plead with relatives, work colleagues, bar friends, Facebook friends to send their children success cards, only for them to post poor results.

“I started informing everyone remotely connected to me about my son sitting KCPE. I ensured they memorised his school’s post office box number long before he even started cramming for his exam,” revealed a parent.

“I even had to call relatives who I had not been on speaking terms with for the last ten years... and yet my son failed miserably. It looks now that the only thing he succeeded in was receiving the highest number of success cards than any other student... I wish they could start ranking that as it is the only chance of him shining at the top!” sobbed the parent.

Some of the disappointed parents are now suggesting that if the Kenya Bureau of Standards and Quality doesn’t act against ‘unscrupulous success card manufacturers and retailers, the other option is to change the name ‘success cards’ to ‘maybe cards’ or ‘Knec cards’ or even ‘chicken cards’ since all national exams are an Knec affair.

Others who believe legislation ought to be the answer to every ill that afflicts the country have called for a Bill to be brought before parliament to address the matter.

“The messages on success cards amount to false advertising if the wishes conveyed do not turn into reality,” said one wag. “There ought to be a law against that to protect consumers, otherwise people will continue being conned!”

Some parents whose children performed dismally in their national examinations despite receiving numerous success cards are also said to be considering demanding a refund from the success card manufacturers. Because their children’s results did not match the message that was on the cards.

But success card manufacturers and sellers are not taking it lying down either. “We will now have no choice but to introduce fine print on our products,” said their umbrella body chairman. “Next time you buy a success card you might have to sign somewhere, saying you will not blame us if you get carried away by the romantic message and forget to prepare for exams!”

Some analyst have suggested that the solution is to force manufacturers and sellers of success cards to offer a complimentary get-well-soon card to those who received cards, but still performed poorly just as a consolation.

And in a parting shot the Kenya bureau of standards and Quality warned that after success cards, they would soon go for horoscopes. “Let not those astrologers think they are safe... we will test them to see if they meet our standards of quality too!” revealed the bureau’s spokesperson.