How to survive on deadly Nairobi roads

It might sound simple but surviving on Nairobi roads is a skill you need to learn. So yours truly, after days of drinking, err sorry, thinking, came up with a simple set of rules.

First and foremost, remember Nairobi traffic is not your friend. It also doesn’t matter whether you are driving or walking.

The rule of the thumb for pedestrians would be to leave zebra crossings to zebras. That driver barrelling down the wrong way will most likely smear you on the road if you think he will stop at a zebra crossing. It doesn’t matter that the painting at the crossing is visible.

Did someone say traffic lights? What lights? This goes for both drivers and pedestrians. In Nairobi, those blinking read and green lights are nothing more than glorified Christmas lights.

flashing red

If you are a driver, you would do well to look for a cop with his arms swinging faster than a cricket bowler urging you to keep going.

This is despite every light in your vicinity, including your fuel gauge light, flashing red. You might get the occasional thought to hit those Nairobi traffic marshalls and traffic cops over your head. But don’t. Because they would clobber you senseless, and again, they are your friends, and that is, compared to those traffic lights.

rare moments

This reminds me, those cameras flashing like disco lights at intersections and roundabouts, when do we get to see the album? I am thinking Kidero and his crew would do booming business if they set aside days at City Hall to display drivers’ pictures like those uninvited paparazzi do at weddings and funerals.

Nairobi drivers would be there in their large numbers, walking up and down the mugshots of bleary-red-eyed drivers who look like they saw a ghost blasting past another even more surprised driver at a roundabout.

Some potbellied driver in a shiny Sh1,500 suit would edge up to the seller with a bunch of photos that could fill those albums with footballers on the cover and whisper: “Hizi ni ngapi? (How much will these cost?)”

Anyway, another survival tip. In those rare moments when drivers actually stop at red lights, you, the pedestrian, is well advised not to cross in front of the first car.

Choose about two cars behind and cross with one eye on the lights and another on the driver. This is because once those lights go green, the driver happily chatting on his phone will blast off like a rally driver, his bonnet gunning for your knees.

Oh, and do not forget the pedestrian overpasses. I know everyone keeps bleating about people not using them. Using some of them would mean you carrying a weapon of some sort. Alternatively you could arm yourself with an air freshener, the toilet situation up there... you know.