This is what being a real man entails

By Tony Masikonde | 10yrs ago | 4 min read

Who is a real man? That is the question we found ourselves mulling over after Frao was accused of neither being a real or total man by one of his ex-girlfriends. There are many things you can possibly accuse Frao of, but if buying beer for the boys and conquering women left, right and centre is anything to go by, he is the ultimate man.

Too emotional

However, the mythology surrounding this question still looms large. So much so that men often experience a hidden battle; whether their decisions should be self-determined or dictated by how masculine they will seem to others. Do I let my missus know how much something is bothering me or will that come across as not being in control? Do I speak my mind at work or does that risk being seen as too emotional? If I take a stand on a principle that bucks the boys’ club, will I lose status?

After a drink-induced discussion, we philosophised and busted some of the biggest myths that have been peddled for years about we men.

Pent-up emotions

This may come as a surprise, but men are probably more emotional than women. How is this possible? Unlike femininity, masculinity does not permit emoting on a regular basis, so men are like Victorian novels: placid on the outside, but concealing a deep emotional life within. Convincing a man that it is masculine to open up – in fact, it takes more cojones to do so – is a cause women should embrace.

By encouraging men to reveal their true feelings, women are helping them release pent-up emotions, leading to a happier and healthier guy.

Like Sex

Yes, sex is important to men. It’s one of the ways we access our imaginations. (At times it might seem like the only way we do.) But one of the big secrets about men is how much they long for real solidarity with their partner. And sex, because it makes the imagination literal, is something we rely on to achieve that bonded feeling. Next time you see your mate’s desire for sex as chauvinistic; remember that he may be asking for proof that you and he are the team he fantasises about. Simply because a couple of women have made wrong choices and ended up with sex maniacs is not reason enough to condemn the whole lot of us.

Look tough

Masculinity is one of the most oppressive forces as far as behaviour goes. Reason? It demands that men appear ‘tough’ at all times, thereby avoiding any overt displays of love and affection, which can be detrimental to a relationship. How often have you witnessed a man shut down during a tender moment or make a joke to detour from it? The toll this eventually takes is enormous, depriving men of the riches of intimacy, one of which is completely giving over to a true and loving partnership.

While men may appear to prize freedom and independence, in their heart of hearts they truly value loyalty. In standing by her man, a woman can fill a primal absence. And once he realises you have his back, he will start to show his feelings in his own way – which may not be ‘traditional’ romantic gestures, but they will be gestures nonetheless. “So when I don’t kiss you when you expected to be kissed that does not mean my feelings have changed,” charged Frao.

Use looks

Nope. A woman’s beauty is a thing to behold, and sometimes we can behold it at the wrong times (like when passing another woman in the streets and try to steal a glance with the madam around). But that’s just visual titillation. The stimulus that matters most reaches our hearts and minds. A woman with a laser-like intelligence, sharp sense of humor and a compassionate soul is like an arrow to a man’s heart.