10 signs you're Nairobi's grandpa

The Kikuyus have a saying, ‘Nairobi niya makua na mariuka’ that loosely means that your fortunes can either blossom or shrivel in Nairobi where it is life and death in this 'shamba la mawe.'

There are residents who came here when Nairobi had one city council toilet. Here is how to tell you have lived long enough in Nairobi:

1. If you witnessed the real Saba Saba riots

CORD is taking Kenyans back to 1997 with the call for Saba Saba This and That. It was the height of multi-partyism in the 1990s. Now that was the real deal. It will never be matched.

Back then, opposition was a bastion of great intellects, sharp legal minds, out to give Kenya the second liberation. If you were around that time, maybe you should try the life in rural Rumuruti.

2. If you voted in the first Multi-Party election

That was back in 1992 means you must have been over 18 huh! And now you are 22 years older. Come on, if you still grinding around, we sould dedicate for you the song 'Survivor!"

3. You know what cinema is

Back then there used to be a newspaper section that advertised the 'Coming Soon,' 'Next Attraction' and 'Now Showing' in Nairobi’s cinemas. Notably, Kenya Cinema, Nairobi Cinema, Odeon, 20th Century, Embassy, Belle Vue, Globe, Shan and Fox-Drive-In along Thika Road.

If you ever experienced James Bond in any of those, especially Casino and ABC Cinema...that had rats and people sat on wooden Coke crates when it was full, you're really an 'old metal' who survived rotten eggs during walk-in films called 'watoto kaa chini!'

4. You rode in the Nyayo Bus, Stage Coach

Back then Michuki Rules were not even a gassed rumour. The makanga could squeeze six standing passengers whose butts would shake your runny nose whenever the matatu hit a bump as they held on to the overboard rail that gave rise to "kushika javeline" or the elitist ‘Jav.’ If you paid Sh5 for a ride in a Nyayo Bus your brats must now be in Form One at Frames of Mind Senior School.

5. You used megarider.

Now we have BebaPay, but before it was megarider. You could board a Stage Coach bus somewhere and alight anywhere.

6. If you were ever ordered to sit down by the police once arrested

Back then, it was university students, not hawkers who gave police running battles. There has been an improvement. Students riots have become fewer and far between.

But come 7pm in the '90s police arrested mostly idle youth. "Kucha hapa kichana (slap! slap!)...gaa chini, chinako nani?...na mamako?..(slap!)...getambulisho igo wapi? (slap!)...only a bribe would save you.

7. You attended computer classes and opened a Yahoo account

Computer colleges taught Data Base, Lotus 1-2-3 and Spreadsheets. You had to be taught like a two year old how to save a file in the computer and store back up in a diskette! Those who knew how to 're-boot' a computer were priceless assets!

8. You have refused to buy into the Java and KFC vibe

Some folks are so conservative in their ‘Nairobiness’  they cannot touch anything foreign. They still have their tea at Tea Room along Accra Road, or Growers along Tom Mboya Street.

9. Your vernacular is wanting

 'Born Taos' can hardly string a sentence in mother tongue, but Sheng, huwezi washinda.

10. You have trust issues

One universal character of grandpa residents is not trusting anyone or anything: "Sikuja Nairobi juzi!..." is how a Nairobian who has been screwed endless starts a sentence at the slightest whiff of a con yarn.